Sunday, August 08, 2010
Alone
i miss being alone. i love R. i really do. My heart aches for him and his embrace. I am enjoying spending time with him, learning about him and learning about myself. I am learning that i need my alone time. that for me to maintain the semblance of being human i need to be alone, reflect and just be me. I am allowing myself to be led through life by him. My schedule and needs are put think it's more lack of sleep and holding back too many emotions. and i have many. this shit with my liver isn't helping either. and i don't want to restart the medication before finding out if my liver is fucked up... my liver is necessary for processing the stupid meds. i can handle the mood... the sad, annoyed, happy, giddy, silly, angry. i just can't handle the anxiety.
Dragonfly 8/08/2010 11:42:00 AM
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Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Freaking out... again
its like a never-ending freaking saga, not even epic, just never-ending. First my stomach, so I went for an ultrasound and x-ray. Showed yes, I have acid reflux...also a weird spot on my liver. So off for a CT scan. It showed there is a spot, but what it is is inconclusive. so I am being sent for an MRI. which isn't why i am freaking out.. it's that i got the call for the appointment this morning and the MRI is tomorrow. TOMORROW!!!! WTF! seriously... what happened to the 6 week to 6 month wait. Was there a surplus of MRI machines out there and NOW everyone gets one immediately.
I have been trying all day to not let my head get the best of me, but now i am exhausted and irritable. SCARED and well... short-tempered. I can't handle the pressure of being around people or kids. Rob has informed me that I am not ever going to be alone and that he loves me no matter what. I have a list of what ifs in the dark place that needs to be heard even though there are no answers for them at all. Because the what ifs are just that - stupid thoughts that are only thoughts and running away with them is an exercise in futility because they go no where.
What if:
...it's cancer?
...he leaves me cause he can't handle another sick person in his life?
...i have to have surgery?
...the meds caused this?
...what if i have to go back on the meds cause i can't handle this.
...i finally found happy to only have it ripped from my outstretched fingers.
what if i will never be happy.
What if i am really sick...
I have been trying all day to not let my head get the best of me, but now i am exhausted and irritable. SCARED and well... short-tempered. I can't handle the pressure of being around people or kids. Rob has informed me that I am not ever going to be alone and that he loves me no matter what. I have a list of what ifs in the dark place that needs to be heard even though there are no answers for them at all. Because the what ifs are just that - stupid thoughts that are only thoughts and running away with them is an exercise in futility because they go no where.
What if:
...it's cancer?
...he leaves me cause he can't handle another sick person in his life?
...i have to have surgery?
...the meds caused this?
...what if i have to go back on the meds cause i can't handle this.
...i finally found happy to only have it ripped from my outstretched fingers.
what if i will never be happy.
What if i am really sick...
Dragonfly 8/04/2010 04:18:00 PM
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