Tales From the Dark Side

its always the same old thing...
the pain, the discomfort, the solitude because of the pain and discomfort.
i would give anything to be free of this vicious cycle.
which is why the visit with the neurologist was so frustrating. Him saying he feels for me and understands just isn't enough of a solution for me. i wanted to wring his neck, but all i could do was cry. he is not being proactive enough for me. i am unsure as to how to proceed, so what do i do...
wait again, to see if this medication works. that doesn't sound pleasant, nor does it feel pleasant.
I am doing everything i can think of. writing, naturopath (that is going to be a test unto itself - the detox she has planned or me), massage, chiropractic,
in the meantime, i feel like i am expected to wait on R and the kids hand and foot... follow their ungrateful asses around and pick up after them, make their dinner, do their laundry, clean up the messes, vacuum, plus manage a house. i can't even keep my own shit straight. i have no room, and no private place to hold and organize my stuff... its frustrating.

there is a huge part of me that wants to ask my tenants to leave my house so i can move home. i hate this house, i hate the energy. it is dirty (FILTHY REALLY) unhygienic and i don't have the energy to disinfect it all by myself. because that's what it feels like - that i would be doing it all on my own.
this isn't what i wanted at all.

i guess i am unhappier than i thought and i am getting tired of acting the part.

i want to know if Pam liked this, if she enjoyed doing it all. Rob said she was like Martha Stewart at the holidays, but that is the polar opposite of me - i hate holidays, all of them... the extra work, the shopping, money i don't have being spent on crap no one needs.

money terrifies me right now too... i have none, i need to write a check for $5250 SOON, AND I DON'T HAVE IT. the naturopathic detox is going to cost a fortune.. and i know that it is super important that i do it, otherwise it has all been in vain. but its scary. I wish i could be are carefree about money as R is, but i am not. that is one of my fatal flaws I guess.

this migraine has plunged me into a darkness that seems inescapable. i have exceeded my tolerance level for pain and my emotions are paying the price. my soul is suffering, i am once again in a dark place but this time i am fighting with everything that i have.
i called in help early... i am off of work and i am starting to write again. i have to get this under control early and quickly. i do not want to spend the next year in a dismal spiral descent.

right now the pain is so intense it hurts to keep my head up, the light from the laptop is burning my retinas and the cats breathing is driving my insane. i can't lie down as the pressure from my resting head is too painful. sitting up isn't much better. and i am unable to take any sort of pain medication to ease the throbbing and pressure. this is a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare.

3 months and 10 days i have suffered. the last 3 have pushed me over the edge... i fear that i am going to snap and hurt someone or myself. it is time i am left alone. without interruptions, free from noise, free from stress.

i am stressing about being off. the stigma that goes along with it. But this is ridiculous. enough is enough.

pain pain go away.
find someone else to terrorize.