Tales From the Dark Side

I do't get asked how I am feeling anymore - the answer is always the same.
I don't offer that information either. Its getting tiresome and I refuse to lie or sugar coat it.
I am isolating myself from the people I love - and from the people I hate.

I am bitter because he won't tell me his plans.
I need some sort of action plan... something to guide me. I need to know if there is one, or what I can do to help.
I am frustrated and I feel alone. I feel like a burden and I don't want to bother anyone.

And my head still hurts.
The only positive thing right now is that I have lost weight.
I am by no means skinny - but none of my pants/shorts fit.

I had my first run-in with the MIL today... I was so angry I was shaking. All because I asked her to drop A off here before she went to the pool... she told me the kids were crying and threatening to run away. Meanwhile, whatever A had left rotting in her closet was stinking up the whole house... its nasty. I don't know what to do.. my mind is racing and running through scenarios, and chaos... I can't even describe it - its all passive-aggressive and abusive behaviour. I am terrified that I am screwing it up, and that no matter what I do or say I am always going to fuck it up and I will be better off on my own. I hate being the bad guy and I hate living in a house that is FILTHY and I don't have the energy or time to spend cleaning up after those 2 ungrateful spoiled brats... I also hate having to pick up after R... It isn't fair... I don't think he does it intentionally, he is overwhelmed, and he isn't a dominant personality - he is too easy going, and nonchalant. So essentially it is my fault, as I am the one that HAS to have a clean house, without rotting food and a tidy kitchen.
I wrote letters to the kids today, i don't know if i am going to give them to the kids. I don't know if its' worth it.

All I want to do is run away. I want to be back in my little house where the only one I have to clean up after is myself.