Tales From the Dark Side

stuff is everywhere, it clogs hallways, stairs, laundry access and lives.
It is allowed freedom that persons inhabiting the "space" are denied.
It collects dust and disease, it is ignored and bypasses.
It is unhealthy and neglected.
Its very presence is expanding - as stuff begets more stuff.
This stuff begets otherwised wrongly named companions - like garbage.
Garbage that should be thrown away.
Garbage that rots and smells.

How can I be the only one to care that we are surrounded by garbage?
When did it become ok to live with garbage and stuff that makes you sick?

It has been brought to my attention that something in my environment is causeing he headache. As an expiriment I should spend some time away from this house and see if that helps my headache. I have somewhere to stay - R and the kids are not welcome there - my friends don't need that stress too... rest and relaxation are needed.
I dont know how to bring it up to R.

But after walking into the house to dirty dishes on the counter - even though the dishwasher is empty, garbage/food wrappers in the basement rec room area where food of any kind is not permitted, a backpack full of lunch containers - some containing food, and another random blanket from nanny's house... I am ready to just pack a bag and go there tonight...

I hate it here. I hate being the only one to lift a finger. I hate that the house is unsanitary. I hate that I don't have the time and energy to clean it properly. I hate that I can't eliminate the stuff that isn't mine. My resentment to this situation is making it hard to want to stay. Because I really don't want to stay. I want to be back in my little house. Where it is clean, and quiet and not blue... or pink. Where there is only my stuff and not the stuff of 4 accumulated households. I hate how powerless I feel in my inability to express this without crying or screaming. I hate that I am terrified to say this to him.

I am scared of hurting him. So scared that I am only making it harder on myself.

Tired of the pain
tired of talking about the pain
tired of lying about the pain
tired of being in pain
tired of the messy house
tired of the cluttered house
tired of the blue walls
tired of the blue wall paper
tired of the pink bedroom and nasty border
tired of being too low on energy to d anything about the nasty paint and wallpaper
tired of the diet
tired of being docile - i want to move again
tired of work
tired of being a cashier
tired of being stuck at a job i don't enjoy
tired of faking my way though the 8 hour shift
tired of the fucking bus - i loathe the bus
tired of missing my friends
tired of having no money
tired of worrying about money
tired of wishing for more money
tired of being reliant on money
tired of being responsible with money
tired of the kids thinking money grows on trees and that they will get whatever they want without working for it
tired of being tired
tired of hating being tired

random thought - benign and being are weird words - and is benign good or bad?

tired