Tales From the Dark Side

i didn't make dinner for the kids today... I left it to him.. I left him all the ingredients.
And came home to a mess.. dishes everywhere, food still in them.. the dishwasher hasn't been emptied from the last night... so all the dirty dishes are on the counters. And to top it all off the living room smells like cigarettes smoke. I
hope I am just imagining it... that something from her house just got left in the living room and that's why it smellls...

I am so angry and frustrated... am I the only one capable of cleaning up...
I give up. I am leaving it on going to bed.
I was planning on cleaning the bathroom, the newly rnovated bathroom - the one that took 3 weeks to complete. I can't face it... I only have so much energy to do anything and there's only so much of me...

I am not the fucking maid.

this has been an enlightening week...
my best friend told me she thinks my boyfriend is emotionally abusive.
She is concerned with some of Robs behaviour... and with my change in attitude. I have become very passive and neglectful to myself and that I have to self and my mood.

I feel bad that she has been that concerned. Concerned enough to call me out on it. Concerned enough that she has been in tears on multiple occasions.

Then I went to acupuncture and the naturopath turned psychiatrist, and had me talk about my feelings. Not really fair when I can't run away... but she mentioned visualizing the pain and pushing it away... visualizing what comes to mind... It makes me sad that I don't have that ability, that I close my eyes all I see is dark, blackness, and empty. Now there are flashing lights and shimmery colours. I call it the aura, the colours from the migraine.

Interestingly enough upon mentioning this to R, We started talking more, I mentioned the 'stalkerish' behaviour and we cleared the air... I know now that I have become docile and waiting for his approval to do ANYTHING! But I also know that I have been hiding behind the pain, letting the pain keep me trapped in my own world. I have been letting myself wallow in my pain, better where it is quiet and dark, where alone I can restrict my movement and stimuli.

Funny, As I sit here thinking that I could be out shopping for smaller pants, walking or working out. I need to go shopping pick up bun... and potatoes and I haven't even showered yet.

I need to get moving.

and for the record, he isn't abusive, or controlling... he's just that guy. The one who will do anything for the person he loves.

falling deeper into the depression
not even caring enough to stop it
the stress and the pain are more than i can bear.
everything i do ends in failure.
moving here was a mistake - happiness is only an illusion
one ounce of happiness isn't enough to make this all worthwhile.