Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Have I Given Up?
I feel like I have reached the end of my tolerance. I can't handle the pain anymore. All I want to do is curl up in my bedroom with the curtains closed and hide in the dark... and cry.
I've had enough.
I don't wnat o do this anymore.
I don't want to feel like my head is in a vice.
I hate the stabbing needle shooting pain through my skull.
It keeps happening, all the time... literally for years now, and I am done.
Despondent, and beaten down.
No. I am not suicidal. I am not going to do anything stupid, permanent or unforgiveable.
I know because I want to have my life back.
I want to go to work, and go to lunches with friends. I want to go visit family and stay for more than 3 hours without needing to hide from the pain. I want to get int he car and drive to see my dad, or my neices and nephews... because I haven't actually spent time with them in years... my nephew doesn't know who I am.
I want MY LIFE BACK!
the pain has beaten me to a pulp this week...
I am terrified that the botox won't work, that May 7th will just be a waste of time and money. and I won't get to be me ever again.
i don't know how to fight the pain anymore. My brain won't cognate the pain.
Dragonfly 4/22/2014 11:46:00 AM
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Tuesday, April 08, 2014
resentful and bitter... not a good combination
Have I ever mentioned that I am tired of saying the same thing over and over. that the whole point of being able to say something is to institute change - either by your own actions or with the help of someone else? I don't actually know if this is true, but I would like it to be.
I would like the person to whom I am "married" to answer a text, or even a direct question. I would like him to acknowledge my day and my mood. I would like him to open up about his fears, worries and concerns... also his dreams and desires.
I would like him to stop ignoring me.
I would also like him to start parenting his children.
I don't want to live in a house with lazy teenagers. I don't want to be the maid. I am supposed to be looking after my self and taking all the steps I medically need to in order to get rid of this fucking migraine. I am supposed to be exercising and losing weight. I can do that on my own, but I am not on my own, and I am the only one who cares about me.
I am PMSing like crazy - the mood swing for the week before my period is frightening. The anger is predominant in my dreams, I awake and the feelings remain. My frustration is apparent in my day to day life and attitude. I want to be left to my own devices, not have to look after ungrateful asshats.
I am becoming resentful.
I am so angry and bitter.
I can't buy groceries but B can "refuse" to participate in therapy, and get brand new ADIDAS, and parts for his fucking dirt bike in the same week.
I need a haircut, and can't get one because i don't have any money... I had to borrow some so my mortgage doesn't bounce this month. This stress is driving me crazy.
My frustration cuts so deep I want to leave. his children are his priority, and they should be, but I don't want to be a bystander in the same house. I don't want to count down the months/days until I can kick him out. I don't want to live that way. There are so many things that seem wrong with this scenario and I am tired.
Of everything.
I can't fight my own demons, and be expected to look after other people.
When does it get easier? When will I get better?
Dragonfly 4/08/2014 10:36:00 AM
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