Saturday, July 18, 2015
I Want My Heart Back
Its breaking over and over, with each passing day, with every text that goes unanswered, with every heartbeat, the pain intensifies.
I want it back, something I never thought I was capable of giving, something that I hold so dear, so protected, and now its gone.
I have to let him go, if he wants me as much as I want him, he will come back. Hopefully he will be healed, and happy, and we will be as it was in the beginning. But in the meantime I want it back... if only to protect myself from more pain, from more heartbreak, from more sadness.
I hate that I cry... all the time.
It disturbs me that I can't adequately explain how I feel to the 3 people that actually talk to me. I can't explain what's in my heart, and I can't explain the logic going on in my head.
I can't describe the loneliness without sounding like I am begging for company.
I can't explain why I wan't him, the way that I do.
I just want to be ok.
I just want to be whole.
I want to be busy.
I want the uncertainty to end.
I want to know.
And I want my heart back, where I can keep it safe, protect it, and choose once again what I do with it.
And I want my man back... whole, smiling, and willing to be mine.
Dragonfly 7/18/2015 01:50:00 AM
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Monday, July 06, 2015
Breakdown Imminent
I thought I was getting better... I thought I was getting stronger, crying less, being better at just being.
Then I asked him to talk to me about something important for 1o minutes and he said no.
Just no.
So, now I am emotional. Its all flooding back... the anger, sadness, isolation, abandonment, and the realization that he really doesn't respect me. So I'm bask to being sad... eating non-stop and today I've been drinking... all day. i don't normally have more than one.
I reconnected with Caron... the conversation continued as if we spoke yesterday. Funny how it does that. That friend that you can always talk to. SO I cried as I told her the story, she expressed just the right amout of anger, sadness and concern, and the perfect amount of sympathy. Andd she told me about her parents, and siblings, and her daughter. 2 hours, on the phone, constant chatter... it was great catching up.
I've been doing a lot of thinking... a lot of thinking.
i am not a sentimental person, I am highly logically. Except when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't let people in easily. I don't open up my heart... i've been burned too many times. And Now that I have let R in, given my heart to him, I can't just take it back. I don't know how to look at him and not feel the love, i don't know how to look at him and not long for his touch, his comfort. And he hurts me, he hurts my feelings, he doesn't ask about my day, or my feelings, he doesn't respect me. I am so very torn. I know logically what I should do, realistically it is what I would tell my bff in the same situation... but my heart is screaming to keep him close, to just keep loving him, to take care of him...
my heart sucks.
Dragonfly 7/06/2015 11:51:00 PM
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