Saturday, February 20, 2016
Fear?? Really??
I haven't heard from him. And I realize that I am actually afraid to contact him about anything important... He has trained me to expect a negative reaction when something important needs to be spoken about. I have a question about logistics, and I am afraid to talk to him.. I don't know how I can say or word anything that won't elicit anger in him. Why??? Was it really an abusive relationship? Did I truly become his doormat? Someone to do only his bidding even though he gave the right words to say I was making my own decisions???
I know I am away from him. I know it shouldn't matter anymore.
MY reaction, this feeling of fear and nervousness about having to talk to him is disturbing to me.
What the hell?!
I am responding like I have suffered from this abuse my whole life. I am seriously petrified aobut having to make contact... Especially since being completely ignored when I wished him a happy birthday.
Why am I afraid?
My needing to contact him is all about money. I don't have any. I need the refund from the money I put out. To do that I need to talk to him. And I am afraid.
Dragonfly 2/20/2016 12:14:00 PM
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Thursday, February 18, 2016
Starting to See Regret Everywhere I Look
I see it now... The choices I have made... Not visiting my father at all after he was diagnosed... Missing out on the guy that fought, the one that talked and reminisced, the one that could pretend to be interested in what the people in his family meant and we're doing... I regret letting my pseudo-family come first and not choosing to come see my family instead of bending over backwards for Rob, his kids and his family... They always came first...
I regret not believing that I matter, I don't believe it now. But I regret it.
I regret not walking away from Rob sooner. I lived knowing that something was off, something wasn't right for a long time and refused to accept it, I continued to believe that love would win.
I regret going part-time, the added stress of that hasn't made my life any easier. I knew I was going to be on my own and I did it anyway.
I wish I knew how to be a better person.
I wish I could let go of all that is holding me back from being happy and carefree.
I am tired of wearing a mask and not being who I really am.
I am exhausted, especially since I have no idea who I am, not really.
I didn't even decide what program to study in school... Wow...
I don't regret that choice... College was great. I have 1 amazing friend from college...
Just 1.
I am a loser, I don't have a posse. I don't have people I hang out with. I am easy to drop and easy to forget. Everyone finds it easiest to cut off ties with me and walk away forever.
I make everything worse.
I see it now. I am everyone's doormat, because otherwise they walk away. As soon as I show my backbone, and stand up for myself I lose the people who CLAIM to always have my back.
No wonder I see regrets... I see every display of strength I have ever shown being shot down with extreme repercussions... My whole life... From childhood to today, the same story, different cast and plot.
My sister - starting fights because she put her crap on my side of the room/closet and me getting grounded for fighting.
Lee - A friendship ending because I couldn't handle her fawning all over my brother, and using me to get to him (as teenagers).
Emma - bitch went crazy when I said I wouldn't drive her and her kids around anymore, haven't spoken in years.
Mel - said Rob was abusive and I wasn't looking after myself and she couldn't be around someone who REFUSED TO LOOK AFTER HERSELF when I was doing everything I was capable of doing within the limits at the time.
Lisa - told me to forget about him and find someone else - even went so far as to suggest someone for me, when I told her I wasn't ready and that I needed her to stop, she walked away.
Jared - refuses to acknowledge me years after the breakup, even though I just wanted to say hi.
Rob - refuses to speak, text, reply, call anything - because I said he was being neglectful and allowing his bully/abusive spawn to control the household.
My regrets all come from having a backbone after a period of complacency.
I see it now.
It still hurts.
Dragonfly 2/18/2016 11:30:00 PM
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