Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I'm not Dead - Just crazy!
I haven't been writing at all.
I don't know why - other than I feel so empty all the time.
But I continue to play with this game of life.
Basically - I'm pissed I've gained so much weight back, and that I have no self-control when it comes to food. It's not like I don't know what or how to eat, I just crave bad food all the time. The medication does that - my self-esteem does the rest.
I learned from the new therapist what my scores on the BECK scale mean - and I am still severely depressed. I have been for so long it isn't even funny.My anxiety has been worse since I started the new medication - and using the CBT techniques doesn't help as I have no idea what sets me off - it just happens.
AND being tired all the time is ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.
I don't know why - other than I feel so empty all the time.
But I continue to play with this game of life.
Basically - I'm pissed I've gained so much weight back, and that I have no self-control when it comes to food. It's not like I don't know what or how to eat, I just crave bad food all the time. The medication does that - my self-esteem does the rest.
I learned from the new therapist what my scores on the BECK scale mean - and I am still severely depressed. I have been for so long it isn't even funny.My anxiety has been worse since I started the new medication - and using the CBT techniques doesn't help as I have no idea what sets me off - it just happens.
AND being tired all the time is ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.
Labels: cbt, depression, medication.
Dragonfly 6/19/2007 08:23:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
| 
Friday, February 09, 2007
Desperation knows no bounds.
I’ve been bad before… I mean I have been really bad.
Maybe yesterday was just one of those emotionally stressful days and the power of it all was just too much for me to bear.
I think about my life and wonder where I am going to fit in. Where I will find a place that is so calming and relaxing I won’t have to deal with the unexpected overwhelming emotions that take over my brain.
Last night was the closest I have come to following through with the negative thoughts that have been known to consume me. Thanks God for Phoenix - she answered her phone and listened to me sob and vent for over an hour. She calmed me down, made me laugh and made it all seem better, for a while.
I’m still shaky and anxious today.
I want to be there for her at her grandfathers funeral, I’m just afraid that a very powerful care is not the best place for me to be now…. I could make it to the funeral in under an hour instead of the hour and a half it should take!
She understands, she says she isn’t disappointed in me for not coming. Right now I still can’t stop crying, I still can’t stop shaking, the pills aren’t working.
I know they will… but I’ve had about 3 hours sleep - maybe 4 and that in itself is not good enough.
I figured it out thought… I don’t hate my life.. I hate the life I have been given.
I would love to be a robot like one of my friends, but that life seems too extreme for me. Emotions are a necessary part of human existence, I just forget how to control them. That’s why I’m in therapy.
Phoenix… I love you. I am so sorry I am not going to be there. I don’t trust myself to drive alone.
I am so sorry you and your family have experienced this loss. Be strong and know that I am with you in spirit and that I WILL answer the phone if you need an ear to cry into.
***EDIT i've had a problem signing into Blogger, so this is a repeat post on an alternate blog - if you know where to look.
Maybe yesterday was just one of those emotionally stressful days and the power of it all was just too much for me to bear.
I think about my life and wonder where I am going to fit in. Where I will find a place that is so calming and relaxing I won’t have to deal with the unexpected overwhelming emotions that take over my brain.
Last night was the closest I have come to following through with the negative thoughts that have been known to consume me. Thanks God for Phoenix - she answered her phone and listened to me sob and vent for over an hour. She calmed me down, made me laugh and made it all seem better, for a while.
I’m still shaky and anxious today.
I want to be there for her at her grandfathers funeral, I’m just afraid that a very powerful care is not the best place for me to be now…. I could make it to the funeral in under an hour instead of the hour and a half it should take!
She understands, she says she isn’t disappointed in me for not coming. Right now I still can’t stop crying, I still can’t stop shaking, the pills aren’t working.
I know they will… but I’ve had about 3 hours sleep - maybe 4 and that in itself is not good enough.
I figured it out thought… I don’t hate my life.. I hate the life I have been given.
I would love to be a robot like one of my friends, but that life seems too extreme for me. Emotions are a necessary part of human existence, I just forget how to control them. That’s why I’m in therapy.
Phoenix… I love you. I am so sorry I am not going to be there. I don’t trust myself to drive alone.
I am so sorry you and your family have experienced this loss. Be strong and know that I am with you in spirit and that I WILL answer the phone if you need an ear to cry into.
***EDIT i've had a problem signing into Blogger, so this is a repeat post on an alternate blog - if you know where to look.
Labels: anxiety, depression, suicide
Dragonfly 2/09/2007 07:47:00 AM
| 1 people trying to cheer me up
|