Monday, December 23, 2013
I will not get involved
that has to be my new mantra.
I am hurting myself
and I am hurting everyone around me with my actions, words and attitude.
Seriously, I don't even know who I am anymore.
I am really starting to hate the shell of a being I have become. Its not even me or who I want to be. I don't want to be a horrible evil step-mom... I don't even want to be their friends. I just want to live harmoniously. And I am the reason all is not well.
I need to ask my tenant to leave, so I can move back to my house and not be surrounded by the negativity and hate I feel here. All I feel is stress and it isn't helping me stay r be healthy mentally.
I don't even get to have fun with R anymore. Mind you that's not an easy thing to do being as he's stressed out and I have a fucking migraine.
Sorry honey - I have a headache has lost all meaning.
And now I have to fake my way through Christmas with his family, who I honestly don't want to see. I want to see my family. what 's so special about Christmas with family when you see them all the time. I see his family weekly. And they don't even like me so why should I bother.
I am so tired... of being used, of being wrong, of being alone, of being surrouded by annoying children. I am tired of watching behaviour that frankly, isn't good. If my friend acted they way they act I would have to walk away. and I don't want to bew freinds with a 13 year old.. or a 15 year old.. i need friends who are emotionally secure.. not children.
So I am not their parent, or their friend, that leaves me as roommate?? Roommate that cooks, and cleans after them... how is that fair.
This isn't what I want for my life. Or theirs
R just told me that it doesn't matter..
Dragonfly 12/23/2013 07:40:00 PM
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Wednesday, December 04, 2013
This is getting old
I don't even know where to start.
I am tired of bitching and complaining about the same things...
B - is just getting into more and more trouble because he can't figure out how to deal with the things that are bothering him. So he lies, smokes, does drugs, gets into fights, makes bad decisions. He is failing all of his classes, and just doesn't care. And I can't say or do anything to help, guide or change how he feels.
A - keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, but she is so freaking smart. I think she takes being a blond way to close to heart.
R - is so stressed because of his children that he isn't taking care of himself and that scares me.
I am terrified of being left alone with the kids... and I am terrified of a life without him. I find myself losing control of my emotions whenever I see him stressed and upset. All I want to do is protect him.
And meanwhile... I have a fucking migraine that won't go away. No pain meds. No money. EI gave me 15 weeks of disability... that didn't even pay off the mastercard... its so scary.
I can't handle the pain. I just want to hide all the time, but that doesn't work well at all. Mood wise I am doing ok, I want to go out and do things, go places, but the pain is so bad that I last about an hour and then I am done.
I am starting to hate my life. I want to go back to work, but I don't think I can fake being ok through a shift...
I don't see or talk to anyone except the people I share a house with, and L because she makes herself available. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss going to the movies. I miss going out for lunch and chatting with people.
I miss my life. Because the existance I find myself in right now, isn't a life. There are no levels of joy or enjoyment. Its an existance surrounded, and based on pain. And it sucks.
Dragonfly 12/04/2013 02:13:00 PM
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