Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I don't even know anymore
I feel like I am thinking rationally and clearly. I know I am sad, confused and terrified. My future is uncertain, I have no control and I have no sense of safety, comfort and security.
I have been asked to leave.
Because of the boy.
R says we are not done, that we just have to get over this hurdle and then we can be together.
I have thoughts, so dark, that the boy will do anything and everything in his power to end my relationship.
I don't like the person I am becoming, i don't like the thoughts in my head. I dislike this darkness...
But its not the depression, its not the bipolar. It's something else. Something different. Something I am not accustomed to feeling. Its hatred. I can't believe someone I care so much about can make me feel this way. And hes just a boy.
I am terrified I will not be able to survive financially on my own. I have so many things I need to repurchase. I have things that need to be replaced. And I wonder how I am going to afford it.
And R is being very secretive. Quiet. Refusing to answer questions about the future. He won't talk about money and wont give me a straight answer. So I am scared.
I don't know what to do anymore.
But in 2 weeks I will be beginning the process of moving bask to Niagara Falls.
I have been asked to leave.
Because of the boy.
R says we are not done, that we just have to get over this hurdle and then we can be together.
I have thoughts, so dark, that the boy will do anything and everything in his power to end my relationship.
I don't like the person I am becoming, i don't like the thoughts in my head. I dislike this darkness...
But its not the depression, its not the bipolar. It's something else. Something different. Something I am not accustomed to feeling. Its hatred. I can't believe someone I care so much about can make me feel this way. And hes just a boy.
I am terrified I will not be able to survive financially on my own. I have so many things I need to repurchase. I have things that need to be replaced. And I wonder how I am going to afford it.
And R is being very secretive. Quiet. Refusing to answer questions about the future. He won't talk about money and wont give me a straight answer. So I am scared.
I don't know what to do anymore.
But in 2 weeks I will be beginning the process of moving bask to Niagara Falls.
Dragonfly 3/31/2015 05:45:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
| 
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
is this all their is?
I feel like I am losing myself again.
Lack of sleep, midnight shifts and the stress of this relationship is more than I can bear.
I am emotional, so I cry.
I am frightened, so I shut down.
I am angry, so I over-react.
I am confused, so I ask questions that go unanswered... because I ask them of myself and not the person with the answers.
I have insights, and I can't express them... the words get lost because I am exhausted, emotional, and angry.
I am lost, and I know exactly what's going on.
I just know that everytime I make a major decision, like the one I am facing, I chose the wrong one. My instincts tell me that this is the wrong decision, and its not my call.
Lack of sleep, midnight shifts and the stress of this relationship is more than I can bear.
I am emotional, so I cry.
I am frightened, so I shut down.
I am angry, so I over-react.
I am confused, so I ask questions that go unanswered... because I ask them of myself and not the person with the answers.
I have insights, and I can't express them... the words get lost because I am exhausted, emotional, and angry.
I am lost, and I know exactly what's going on.
I just know that everytime I make a major decision, like the one I am facing, I chose the wrong one. My instincts tell me that this is the wrong decision, and its not my call.
Dragonfly 3/11/2015 12:30:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|