Tales From the Dark Side

It's OK...
I feel better already.
Eating properly today and the workout has helped a lot

Oh...
and the phone call I got from work this morning really lifted my spirits.

They wanted me to come in today.
apparently it was busy this morning.
They needed more help.
I opted to laugh at my boss and stay home.
But I thanked him for calling.
Actually my exact words
"I appreciate the offer Mike, but I'll pass thanks."

He said he understood.

Today I feel better.
Really.

I was thinking
a dangerous thing
I want to know how many people I can piss off in one day
I think I can piss off most of the people I know in a matter of hours quite easily.
Mostly because I am in a bitter mood.

My throat is getting better
My allergies are EXTREMELY bad - either that, or I have a cold and I can't take anything for it as I have an appointment with the Allergist next week and can't take anything containing anti-histamines. Which means I have to suffer. I hate being stuffed up and constantly blowing and sneezing.
I haven't worked out since Monday and my mood is suffering... I am bitter and angry and my tummy is upset. I should go tonight... I should go now.
I meet with a personal trainer tomorrow and it will suck not having worked out for a whole week.
And I haven't been eating right... so my stomach has been screaming for the last couple of days. It's almost like I have fallen off my own wagon... And my health is suffering. I feel like crap, I know I am just getting over a throat infection, but that isn't the best excuse over.

I am my own worst enemy and it seems everyone I know had better beware or they may have to feel my wrath.


give me some breathing space,
a day without sneezing and stuffiness
a day without itchy skin and a rash (I didn't mention that before did I? sorry!)
And a good nights sleep.

Then I might be nice.
For now,
Leave me the hell alone
Or be prepared to be growled at for no reason at all.

I have ... A rant.
A big one.
It's been bugging me for a couple of days now.
And I was hoping it would just pass, and that I would just let it disappear from the recesses of my brain.. Which actually happens a lot now that I am on the good drugs:)) YEAH!!!!

But this one won't go away.
And it really bothers me, not just because of how hard I have worked, but because of how hard I see others working and striving everyday at the gym as well.

A little over a year ago I stood on the scale and was devastated at the number that stared back at time.
I mean, the number was upsetting, I had never weighed as much then, ever, in my entire life.
So I made a choice to change.
And I have done an admiral job (if I do say so myself)!!
I have watched my clothes get looser and now all of my clothes are too big...
with the exception of the new pants I bought on Wednesday - HELLO size 12!!!!

But I go to the gym and I stand on the scale there - (not every day because that's obsessive and upsetting) - and the numbers don't change. And well - they are high.
Higher than I would like.
In fact they make me feel like I am gaining weight even when I am eating the same - or less, or better than before, and working out more.
Very disappointing.
I would have thought the numbers would go down a pound every week or so. But they were staying the same.

Then I went to Kincardine.
And that is where my scale for the last year has been.
The comparison scale, as it were.
And that scale has almost a 15 pound difference than the scale at the gym.
15 POUNDS!!!!
My dad's scale was 3 pounds heavier than my comparison scale.
When I weighed myself first thing in the morning I had an overall weight loss of 65 pounds from my original weight of Christmas 2004.

I detest the fact that the gym is adding pounds on to the scale to make you want to workout more.
I think that is evil and wrong... And should be punishable by a week at Grendku Industries, of course that would mean they would have to make time for an entire new corporation and they are entirely too busy for that...
but it should be too much work for them I would think.

My work here is done.

I will however be staying off the scales at the gym...
but getting back on the elliptical, as soon as my throat allows me to breathe in deeply without having a coughing fit that isn't excrutiatingly painful.

My life is nothing if not interesting.
I have often said that I live a soap opera life without all the pregnancies and I don't sleep around or have multiple marriages... I mean really... There is only so much drama I can take.
And honestly, the drama finds me even when I don't want it.

I have been trying to lay low lately.
Things are bothering me with certain people in my life.
As always... Those people shall remain nameless as they have access to my blogs and ... Well... The shit has hit the fan enough.
Enough already I say.

I am tired of defending myself to the people that claim to be my friends and hiding my true feelings from these friends and family members just to placate the fragile emotions of everyone else.
Somewhere along the way I have exposed myself in such a way that everyone that is close to me knows how to use me. They know how to push all my buttons and play my emotions. My friends and family have the ability to send me into a depressed state very quickly by making me feel guilty for past actions.
I believe that some of them do it intentionally... Use my emotions to get what they want, without any regard to what the consequences would be.
I know that others have no idea what I really go through and in moments of their own self pity need to vent and choose to share their anguish.. Thus passing it on to me.

I know that I am too nice.
I give too much of myself to my friends and my family.
I believe that is why I have chosen to become so busy this year.
And why I am going to the gym so much.
I try to spare other people's feelings because I know how much being emotionally attacked can hurt. I try very hard not to attack others... I use my blog to vent my feelings instead of attacking individuals to their faces. (At this point I believe I should forgo this policy and just start telling everyone off as the blog archives have become a downfall too!)
But then again...
That's why they invented secret blogs.
But who said I have one of those.
Not me.
Nope.

Maybe I'll just become a mime.
And forgo speaking altogether.

My birthday is in 2 weeks.
I hate my birthday.
I am trying to maintain a positive attitude... I am working out, I am staying busy. I am going to my class.

But I can feel the sadness creeping in.
It comes every year... it usually hits before now though... and by this time it is pretty deeply set.

I don't like it.
I don't want this depression to sink in.
I want to stop it in it's tracks.
But I don't even know if it's depression... or just the birthday blahs...
or if there are certain people that are causing me stress that I need to smack around...
I have the muscles... I could do it!
I'd feel better.