Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Truth
If I tell myself I am not going crazy does it make it true? I am filled with self-doubt, and the doubt weights on me.
For years I have labelled myself as unlovable... I know I wasn't really in love with J. I wanted to be in love so badly I stayed hoping it would come. Now I am in love with R and it is a completely different feeling... so all consuming and amazing. I question if I am worthy of his attentions, and his feelings. I want to let his love and ideas become my own (like moving in together). But the unlovable side of me wants my "freedom" - freedom meaning safety net... selling my house means I have no escape, what happens when he decides that he doesn't really love me? Where will I go? Having my house means I have a place no matter what.
The dark side of my personality has reared its morbid head and I find myself in a position of acknowledging it and needing to straighten myself out.
I just hate that the feelings have come out at all.
I am hiding from my friends, not calling, FBing or texting... only because I don't want to be the burden again. I am afraid they will say I need to go back on the medication I still haven't recovered from coming off of. I am not going crazy, I am just trying to remember how to deal with emotions I am actually feeling to the full degree instead of a muted/medicated version of them.
This makes me angry too... all the therapy and training doesn't mean anything when you can't feel. It one thing to know how CBT works and to process your way through the emotional upheaval, but they don't teach you what that actual emotion really is. They forget that on meds the emotional responce isn't the same. So here I am, not wanting to do the work, knowing it needs to be done.
Secure in the knowledge that I am not going crazy.
Fear is powerful.
I don't want to live my life in fear.
I was walking to work yesterday thinking about the Haunted House industry. You can go to an awake version of a nightmare.
Why do we do this???
Being scared is a natural physical/emotional reaction... in ancient times people were on the lookout for predators and attack all the time... there was relatively no safety.
Now... we live in a safe environment. the only dangers are the ones we create ourselves like crossing the street without regard to crossing signals, biking int he middle of the road, no helmet, jumping out of airplanes, and swimming with a tank strapped to your back at 200ft...
The rush of fear brings on adrenaline... making one feel better, good, ALIVE!
Haunted houses make you feel alive. That's why you go. And if you aren't the one to scare easlily you take a friend to feed off their energy - cause laughing causes the same euphoria.
My great epiphany...
I want to live my life knowing that the fear will set me freee, and make me feel alive. Actually living life and experiencing everything life has to offer is the whole reason we are here. The fear has a purpose, as do I.
For years I have labelled myself as unlovable... I know I wasn't really in love with J. I wanted to be in love so badly I stayed hoping it would come. Now I am in love with R and it is a completely different feeling... so all consuming and amazing. I question if I am worthy of his attentions, and his feelings. I want to let his love and ideas become my own (like moving in together). But the unlovable side of me wants my "freedom" - freedom meaning safety net... selling my house means I have no escape, what happens when he decides that he doesn't really love me? Where will I go? Having my house means I have a place no matter what.
The dark side of my personality has reared its morbid head and I find myself in a position of acknowledging it and needing to straighten myself out.
I just hate that the feelings have come out at all.
I am hiding from my friends, not calling, FBing or texting... only because I don't want to be the burden again. I am afraid they will say I need to go back on the medication I still haven't recovered from coming off of. I am not going crazy, I am just trying to remember how to deal with emotions I am actually feeling to the full degree instead of a muted/medicated version of them.
This makes me angry too... all the therapy and training doesn't mean anything when you can't feel. It one thing to know how CBT works and to process your way through the emotional upheaval, but they don't teach you what that actual emotion really is. They forget that on meds the emotional responce isn't the same. So here I am, not wanting to do the work, knowing it needs to be done.
Secure in the knowledge that I am not going crazy.
Fear is powerful.
I don't want to live my life in fear.
I was walking to work yesterday thinking about the Haunted House industry. You can go to an awake version of a nightmare.
Why do we do this???
Being scared is a natural physical/emotional reaction... in ancient times people were on the lookout for predators and attack all the time... there was relatively no safety.
Now... we live in a safe environment. the only dangers are the ones we create ourselves like crossing the street without regard to crossing signals, biking int he middle of the road, no helmet, jumping out of airplanes, and swimming with a tank strapped to your back at 200ft...
The rush of fear brings on adrenaline... making one feel better, good, ALIVE!
Haunted houses make you feel alive. That's why you go. And if you aren't the one to scare easlily you take a friend to feed off their energy - cause laughing causes the same euphoria.
My great epiphany...
I want to live my life knowing that the fear will set me freee, and make me feel alive. Actually living life and experiencing everything life has to offer is the whole reason we are here. The fear has a purpose, as do I.
Labels: emotions, fear, haunted house
Dragonfly 5/30/2010 10:55:00 AM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
| 
Monday, May 17, 2010
friendship - and the power of
This has been bothering me for a while.. and I can't figure out how to rectify the situation.
But first- the history.
Becca and I became friends in 1994. The year I turned 20 (actually on my 20Th birthday). Before me, Becca had her sister D and her BFF Trudy.
Robyn was born April 1993.
Becca's priority was her daughter.
D was being a typical teen... fighting with parents, arguing, getting into trouble.
T was into the bar scene... drinking, boyfriends - both casual and not. She was making decisions that Becca didn't agree with.
So as Becca and I became closer and realized that we wanted to grow up, me to go to school and escape small town life and her to raise her daughter and go to school she drifted away from T and D.
When Bec got sick, things changed. Those around her that were close loved and respected her drive, determination and fight. While others stayed away, not sure of how to deal with Bec's and their own mortality. After she died, the friends that had drifted stayed away.
It has been 10 years.
there was a memorial to commemorate the day.
Neither T nor D wanted me there, as they felt I took Becca away from them.
I know that had Bec survived every one's life would be different. She would be so close to T and D because they too have grown, become mothers and are making responsible choices for themselves and their families. Of course Bec and I would still be soul mates (as we called each other) but there was always room for them.
I guess it saddens me that T and D have not grown and learned to forgive themselves for choosing to "walk away" from her. they missed out on her most important lessons... to live life, love everyone and everything. and don't look back - look to the future. you can't change the past but you can definitely know what's coming and what is important. Friends!
But first- the history.
Becca and I became friends in 1994. The year I turned 20 (actually on my 20Th birthday). Before me, Becca had her sister D and her BFF Trudy.
Robyn was born April 1993.
Becca's priority was her daughter.
D was being a typical teen... fighting with parents, arguing, getting into trouble.
T was into the bar scene... drinking, boyfriends - both casual and not. She was making decisions that Becca didn't agree with.
So as Becca and I became closer and realized that we wanted to grow up, me to go to school and escape small town life and her to raise her daughter and go to school she drifted away from T and D.
When Bec got sick, things changed. Those around her that were close loved and respected her drive, determination and fight. While others stayed away, not sure of how to deal with Bec's and their own mortality. After she died, the friends that had drifted stayed away.
It has been 10 years.
there was a memorial to commemorate the day.
Neither T nor D wanted me there, as they felt I took Becca away from them.
I know that had Bec survived every one's life would be different. She would be so close to T and D because they too have grown, become mothers and are making responsible choices for themselves and their families. Of course Bec and I would still be soul mates (as we called each other) but there was always room for them.
I guess it saddens me that T and D have not grown and learned to forgive themselves for choosing to "walk away" from her. they missed out on her most important lessons... to live life, love everyone and everything. and don't look back - look to the future. you can't change the past but you can definitely know what's coming and what is important. Friends!
Labels: Bec, family, forgiveness, friendship
Dragonfly 5/17/2010 01:10:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|