Tales From the Dark Side

This has been bothering me for a while.. and I can't figure out how to rectify the situation.

But first- the history.
Becca and I became friends in 1994. The year I turned 20 (actually on my 20Th birthday). Before me, Becca had her sister D and her BFF Trudy.
Robyn was born April 1993.
Becca's priority was her daughter.
D was being a typical teen... fighting with parents, arguing, getting into trouble.
T was into the bar scene... drinking, boyfriends - both casual and not. She was making decisions that Becca didn't agree with.
So as Becca and I became closer and realized that we wanted to grow up, me to go to school and escape small town life and her to raise her daughter and go to school she drifted away from T and D.

When Bec got sick, things changed. Those around her that were close loved and respected her drive, determination and fight. While others stayed away, not sure of how to deal with Bec's and their own mortality. After she died, the friends that had drifted stayed away.

It has been 10 years.
there was a memorial to commemorate the day.
Neither T nor D wanted me there, as they felt I took Becca away from them.

I know that had Bec survived every one's life would be different. She would be so close to T and D because they too have grown, become mothers and are making responsible choices for themselves and their families. Of course Bec and I would still be soul mates (as we called each other) but there was always room for them.

I guess it saddens me that T and D have not grown and learned to forgive themselves for choosing to "walk away" from her. they missed out on her most important lessons... to live life, love everyone and everything. and don't look back - look to the future. you can't change the past but you can definitely know what's coming and what is important. Friends!

Labels: Bec, family, forgiveness, friendship

Labels: bi-polar, family, friendship

My doctor told me to avoid contact with people so as to not lose anymore friends. She told me that I am not allowed to make new friends or do anything permanent to my body.

I am still angry and easily aggravated. I hope this medication is the one that actually works.
It's hard to talk to friends when they really don't get it, they won't tell me when I have said something inappropriate, or have hurt them by being too harsh verbally. I know I am an emotional time bomb. There's been no hiding that. And I am not denying any fault... but if people are going to walk around on eggshells around me then how am I to learn that I have done something wrong.
Especially when these people are supposed to be my friends.
Fiends speak to one another, tell the truth - whether it be harsh or hurtful.
Yes, you protect each other, but you don't let hurt simmer underneath until it boils over into one big mess.
But that's just my humble opinion.

Labels: bi-polar, friendship, insanity

Just a warning!

Being my friend can cause pain, heartache, disappointment and the tendency to want to murder me.
I am giving everyone the choice to maintain contact and friendship with me or walk away now.

Be advised that I have foot in mouth disease.
I have been known to be both selfish and selfless.
I am moody and irritable.
I will burden you insatiably.
And I am a complete and total fool.
I guess I shouldn’t forget to mention the fact that I am a complete basket case and have been known to make the simplest thing the most difficult experience of your entire life.
There is no end to the sadness and pain that I can and probably will cause in your life.
But I do have the ability to make up for some of it at least.
While sometimes it is good to be my friend - I can be quite amusing - it is also a physically and emotionally draining experience and I feel it 100% necessary to inform everyone to the perils of being my friend.

Labels: friendship, warning