Wednesday, September 09, 2015
A list of presumptions.
Maybe you have met someone new... and didn't know how to end it with me becasue you still have feelings for me, but our love wasn't exciting anymore.
Maybe you really are broken inside, not having properly mourned the death of your wife, and didn't know how to ask for help. Now that I am "gone" you are mourning all the loss.
Maybe you are ignoring me because you feel guilty about all the lies you have told, and have realized that I am not the problem with your son.
Maybe you said you don't trust me because I went to the lawyer when you were really just hoping I would fade into the background, and you wouldn't have to be accountable for the promises you made.
Maybe you feel guilty for telling me we were fine and to go part-time... and now you can't handle that I am struggling because of that choice.
How much guilt is plaguing you???
Dragonfly 9/09/2015 01:07:00 PM
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To My Love
Yes, you are still my love. If that makes me pathetic then so be it. I don't know when I will stop thinking of you that way... My heart wants you still, aches for you, yearns for you. I dream about you every night. I think about you always. My heart skips a beat when I see your truck in the work parking lot. I am a pathetic love-sick puppy.
Meanwhile, you ignore me. You refuse to talk to me still, you won't answer texts or pick up the phone. You said "no games" but you continue to ignore me hoping I will go away.
You said you have never broken up with someone before, but now I see your game... ignore them and they eventually give up and go away, VOILA!! no break-up on your conscience. It must be so easy... ignoring someone.
My question to you is How long have you been ignoring me hoping I would give up and go away? Why do you think it is ok to treat someone like this?? Why won't you get help?
I see you as a strong, quiet man... capable of doing and fixing anything. You have fun varied interests, and love to share those passions with people. You want to be a good father, you try to share your interests with your children... and your partner. And for a while you wanted that person to be me. And I was happy to be included.
I hate that I miss you, you have a strong hold on me. Maybe, just maybe if I hang on long enough you will come back. I am addicted to you... I crave any attention from you. You are my drug of choice.
And I miss you.
Please come back to me...
Dragonfly 9/09/2015 12:46:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 08, 2015
Burdens and Lost Dreams.
I always wanted a full house... friends dropping by, tea, games night, movie nights... i wanted kids and thier friends hanging out... me feeding an army every night. I wanted that comraderie, that companionship, that chaos... organized of course. I wanted a house full of people and laughter. I wanted to be the place the kids came for safety, comfort and food.
I am mourning the loss of that dream... I am having a hard time envisioning it as a future... i still see him, I still want him... he's the one I want by my side.
At what point do you admit that the vision you had for your future is literally a pipe dream??? How can you find someone with the same vision that is willing to work with you for a lasting relationship.
Myy friends are all in far of places... across the country, and busy with their own lives. I feel terribly alone, the "friends" here just don't want to hear it, they dont want to know about my struggles... they too have stopped asking. I cant talk it out. I am burdening everyone, and no one.. because I am not talking about it. Mostly because they don't ask.
The stress of the wedding and shower is heavy... weighing heavily on my mind. I regret saying I would do it.. I feel I was not given a choice... of course I would take over the shower, It is a relatively easy job... but the wedding... that is too much. I can't get the thoughts about the crowd, the photos, the hair... its all too much. I don't think it will be fun or relaxed... frankly Bridezilla is going to make it ... well... heavily.
Dragonfly 9/08/2015 05:32:00 PM
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