Tales From the Dark Side

I never thought anything of it. I was happy, there was nothing I couldn't do. It was like the world was my oyster and I the shiny pearl. There was nothing that could take my 'shine' away.

I have vague memories of coming home from work, bouncing around the apartment, thinking I shouldn't vacuum as it would disturb the others girls that live in the house. I barely slept, I hardly ate and I lacked the ability to concentrate on anything for any amount of time. I spent hours cleaning, playing video games, dancing around the room and a soon as I heard the girls up... then... I would vacuum. I was nothing if not considerate.

The problem lies in the irrational decisions that you make while manic.

Like going shopping.
I would go to Wal-mart and buy...well... I have no idea...
Or... Block-buster. Aaahhh... Movies. Even previously viewed you can spend a fortune - buying 6 at a time, I guess so... every day!

The most expensive thing I ever bought was my car.
I was bored so I went and bought a car and I had to buy out my lease at the same time... So not smart - but I didn't care.
Now I regret it.

I bought a my bed while manic too. That was a big purchase.

My Visa bill has been has only been big because my bank account was empty when my bills needed to be paid so I put bills on my Visa... My account was empty because it is so easy to Debit here...

Every time I finally start to ahead, something happens (like a major expense) or a manic cycle hits and I find myself staring at an empty bank account and my bills waiting again...
Right now I am OK.

But I await the upheaval that a manic cycle brings.
I live in fear of the coming storm.
And it terrifies me.

The Stress was debilatating.
Sleep was filled with nightmares, dismantled dreams and broken images.
Exhaustion makes the body do strange things.
Smiling became a chore, chores became a nuisance.
Living in squalor does not improve ones mood - even when one does not live in squalor.
The chaos grew.

Until fate steped in and led me to the answer.
Since waking up this morning The fog has lifted,
There is some clarity
Smiles were easier and more plentiful.

I have no idea what will happen.
I can't make her decision for her.
I can't lead her to anything
All I can do is take care of myself and prepare for the inevitable.
My strength is my power.
But I'm terrified.

She isn't happy.
She doesn't want to live with her Dad.
She doesn't want to go to her real Dad's either.
She's only 12.
She'd come live with me, but she'd have to leave all her friends. That's really hard to do when you're 12.
She is really confused. And she wants a Mom.

She thinks the mother of one of her friends might adopt her, because that's what her friend says.
I promised her Mom I would be there for her.

I led her to the number for a children's lawyer in Ontario.
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know...
I can't sleep.
I want to cry...
I don't want to work...
I have been trying to talk to her Dad for months to get him to see that he could lose her but he doesn't seem to care. He told me that he is tired of catering to her... He wants to do his own thing now.

My first instinct is to protect her - but I don't think I should interfere.
Yet, I have.
Indirectly.
It is in her hands now.
She knows she can come here.

She sits in her seat. Maybe she's watching the in-flight movie. Maybe she's reading Harry Potter (she had to wait until now to read it) or Maybe she's taking a much needed nap.

But she's not here.
And I keep crying.

I didn't have to go to work today after all. For that I am greatful.
Last night's concert was a welcome escape (I went into a hypo-manic psycho-obsessive crazy fan at the mere thought of HIM!!! and FF laughed at me for 4 hours but it was great!!! I even got his autograph AGAIN!!! WHOOHOO!!! and I touched his arm!!!! (not a fake *touch* like MooCow gets but a real life touch... it was AWESOME!!!) *sigh*

Then I got home and thought about where she was and if she is OK... Today I am tired, teary and alone.

Even my little critters won't leave my side but they give me no solace...
I am trying to think positive, I know the routine...
I know how this works.
I just need to let it all out today.

I haven't really done it until now.
There's been too much to do.

Sarah leaves today.
And it makes me want to cry.
I keep holding back the tears, but I know I shouldn't as the realease will make me feel better, but I am afraid that if I let them start they will never stop.

I have my Steven Page concert tonight...
FF is coming with me.
I fear all I will do is shed one tear after another while fantasizing of that man in my phucked up head...

I can not handle my own brain today.