Tales From the Dark Side

There's so much going on right now.. I just don't know where to start.

I think the black veil that was creeping over my eyes has finally lifted.
I have my appetite back and am feeling much better.
I have begun catching up on some restful sleep and am getting back into my normal routine... The problem is that things are all haywire because of the things I have done over the last 2 weeks.
Yet I have so much more to do in the next 2 weeks it isn't even funny... And I don't know if I will have time...

I have shopping to do.. No groceries... I'm even running out of basics... It doesn't help that I never went to the store while I wasn't eating... Now I don't even have soup. Crazy!

I have a French assignment and a test to prepare for next Wednesday... And I am not even close to being ready... And yes, I am aware that sitting here typing isn't really helping matters, but staring at the blank page in my notebook wasn't really doing much either.

Shadow has been gone since Monday... almost a week now. I miss her terribly. I can still hear her bell when I come in the door at night. The phantom sounds of my departed cat... sometimes I hear it when I am on the computer or sitting around the apartment (like I am ever just sitting around) but I hear it in the distance. I talked To Jen on Thursday and she invited me to visit Shadow that night.. but I was afraid that she would just get upset and go back into hiding again after I left... poor kitty hid for 2 days.
The thing is.. my eyes are still bad here, and I am still breathing the same even after doing all the laundry and vacuuming like a maniac.
I wonder if the 6 cats upstairs have something to do with it.. but 4 of them are moving out very soon! Thank goodness. If not.. I will have to leave.. but I'll be really upset if I got rid of my cat for no reason.

I am terribly nervous about the hockey game on Tuesday... Bizarre thoughts keep flashing through my head.. Like 'what if he is only going cause he's a Leafs fan', and 'How insane is this,' Oh My God, what am I gonna wear?' (Duh - a jersey and the only pair of pants I have that fit.. But seriously - bizarre thoughts I said - OK!!!) Rarely do I feel like a nervous high school student.. And right now is one of them.
Today HE came up to my window at work and chatted for a couple of minutes and I nearly stopped breathing... (NO he doesn't stink... It wasn't that kind of holding my breathe) I had to remind myself that I talk to him all the time and that I really can breathe when he's around. I swear I am gonna end up in the psycho ward before Tuesday even gets here.

Hey... Come to think of it.. That's a great way of getting out of my oral presentation for French class! I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.

And I have a couple of secrets...
I am having a hard time holding them in...
I am going to burst soon.
Really... I am.

There are few things I detest in this world...
one of them is Baby showers, the other is wedding showers...
I don't know why.
It might be the social gathering.
It might be the stupid organized games.
It could be the disgusting calorie ridden food and the being forced to wear nametags for no apparent reason and talking to the "guest of honors" great aunt about her giant boil for 20 minutes...

But I hate them.
They take up many hours of your afternoon.
There is the gift that you are forced to buy.
(And as I am never going to have kids I just feel completely ripped off in this area.)
And I don't really want a wedding either - so I am getting screwed again!

This week I got yet another baby shower invitation in the mail - but I have a really great excuse for not going... hehehe... but I can't talk about it... who knows who's eyes are reading this... there's many secrets about!
So I was thinking.. I should have a skinny party. Just to cut some of my loses over the years!
I mean remember the pants I bought not to long ago...
These pants. They're getting a little big... And frankly after the whole Leafs tickets incident I have NO spending money... so why not!

It could be fun...

Invite people over... have cheesy door prizes, veggie trays, and stupid games...
We could do the Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease DVD and Everyone could give me gift certificates!

Shut. UP.
It's a great idea.
At least it's a way for me to get new pants!

My day in a nutshell...

I got up and drove BC's kids to school then headed straight to aquafit.
It was a good workout.

I came home and searched for everything related to Shadow.
Wrote a post and chatted on the phone.

Shadow moved out around 1pm... I hung out with her and her new MOM for an hour, while she cuddled into my back, hid behind the TV then the couch and was basically really really sad and pathetic. Poor kitty.

I ran into the grocery store for some supplies and then Walmart for other supplies... got home and realized I forgot cotton pads (for applying toner... it's nothing gross boys) and then I started cleaning.

I've done endless laundry since 5pm... and it's still going...
I've dusted, vacuumed, and tidied, and now I am ready for bed.

Unfortunately it isn't dry yet...
the pillows aren't dry nor are the sheets.
And I have to remake it.

I have wanted to curl up and avoid the world all day
instead I got up and faced the music
Life is all about choices
I can choose to hide from every decision I have every made... crazy, insane or ballsy.
I can live with this decision, alone and catless and somehow get over the empty feeling that is following me throughout the apartment.
Even George is being quiet today.
I need to be busy or sleeping.
Tomorrow is going to be harder...
Cause I sleep alone

I have been looking for the right way to express how I have been really feeling lately - nothing has seemed appropriate. And none of my own words have been appropriate.

But in Anne Rice's The Vampire Armand I found it.
Something that soothed my soul.
And made the calm begin.

It's a prayer... Armands cry to God as he is dying, from a poison coursing through his blood, given him during a dual with a lover while he was mortal, before given the Dark Gift.

Oh, Lord, if Thou wert music, this then would be Thy voice, and no discord could ever prevail against Thee. Thou wouldst cleanse the ordinary world of every troubling noise with this, the fullest expression of Thy most intricate and wondrous design, and all triviality would fade away, overwhelmed by this resounding perfection.

I turn to music in my darkest times to lift me up. I look to my favourite songs to clear my head, as if reaching to those words to give me the strength and wisdom to carry on. I know the demons that burden me, are all trivial, menial little tasks that in the grand scheme of things are burdens everyone has to bear, but to me, right now it is almost too overwhelming.
I read this today, while sitting in the waiting room of my psychiatrists office, waiting to tell her that I was having a hard time with my existence, and for no apparent reason.
I didn't have to tell her - she already knew. Yes - she's that good, besides anyone who knows me can see it on my face.
I'm an open book.
That's why I seclude myself.
That's why I put on a face in public.
I'm that good.
But sometimes it gets to be too much.
This week is too much.

Oh, Lord, if Thou wert music, this then would be Thy voice, and no discord could ever prevail against Thee. Thou wouldst cleanse the ordinary world of every troubling noise with this, the fullest expression of Thy most intricate and wondrous design, and all triviality would fade away, overwhelmed by this resounding perfection.