Tales From the Dark Side

I can't say I am dreading changing shifts. I'm just not looking forward to it.
It might be nice having the mornings to go to the gym, make dinner, have a proper lunch, shop, play with the bird. Although.. I would rather it begin after my days off instead of in the middle of my work week... It kind of makes it seem ... Um ... Dazed and confused.

But I remember being on this shift before and not leaving the house all day every day because I was sleeping right up until I had to leave for work, not talking to anyone, eating crap. Then staying up for 3 hours after getting home from work.

I remember the problems keeping my mood stable, the depression, the frustration, the feeling of fighting to stay sane.
My shift manager says that I can come vent to her any time... But I don't think that my insanity should be fully revealed at work.

I feel like a more normal person on this shift. This late day shift is more suitable to my mood. I can sleep in a little bit.. Get up before 9AM. Get ready and leave for work. Work all day, go to the gym... Come home and relax before going to bed before midnight. A relatively normal schedule. Swing... I don't start until 3 or 4pm.. maybe 5pm if they don't honor the doctor's note (which I found out today they might not... Fantastic!). My plan is to get up, go to the gym. Come home and have my shake, make a dinner for work, have lunch before leaving the house for work - around 1 or 2 pm... Then do homework, clean or shop maybe play Tiger Woods for a while before leaving for work. I need to go to bed within 30 minutes of getting home... That's the only way I won't sleep all day. But I need to get into a schedule. And I want to keep my activity level up.
I'm just afraid I'm going to end up worse than I was before... With the rapid cycling and the anxiety. I can't fear it.. I just have to be prepared. Or hope that I'm not over-thinking and over-reaching like I sometimes do.
I have to think positive.
It's just hard to do that when everyone is so negative.
I am scared.
Wednesday I have to go decide my new "shift" and hope I get the days off I want.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the new shift and everyone is going to new shifts, new templates, some are going to the other site. It's a different world all of a sudden.
And so it begins.

I was scanning through my blog list last night... And came across a post that has since made me think.

It was about writing, especially with pen and paper.
I commented that I do that.
Yet, lately, in this depressive, and down-trodden mood that I have been in, I realize that I have barely been writing at all.
Not on any of my blogs (even the one that may or may not exist), my journal (yup - the pen and paper one) or the Chaos theory ones... Which have yet to be renamed or re-formatted.

I realize that I have been neglecting myself. I am keeping myself in this state, simply by refusing to do any of the coping techniques that I have been taught or preach to others...
I know I feel better when I write. I know I need to release the stress, anxiety and fears that are plaguing me.
Yet, here I sit, day after day, week after week, for the last 2 months, wallowing in my own self-pity, because... Well, because that is what depression does. It makes me not want to look after myself.

I go into self-destruction mode.
It has taken me 2 months - or longer - to figure it out... And now I need to remember how to look after myself again.
So thanks Domnall... for the reminder. It was subtle, but it was there.

and no... I'm not better, I'm still gonna need a kick in the ass... It's all relative.
The fight goes on... But at least I'm fighting now, instead of watching from the sidelines.

Looking for the positives with the whole debacle at work.
Looking for the light within this depression that is casting a shadow over me.
Looking for a reason to go to work.
Looking for a way to help her, she is all alone.
Looking for someone to help me, cause I feel all alone.

I have not found the silver lining... But I'm looking.
I think I'm gonna look in bed.
It's quiet there...
and warm.

Every scenario, every if, and, or but...
Every tear shed...

it doesn't compare to the moment when my Doctor's receptionist looked at my at 9AM this morning and told me that she (my Doctor) wasn't coming in... until Later.
"Could you wait?"
'Just admit me now' is the thought that hit my brain first.

The tears started, the anxiety... Of course I was going to wait. I had to see her. I needed to take care of myself, and the whole "work/grave" issue... but the knowledge that I called it.. that she wasn't going to be there... that was too much.

So... I sat... and waited... and read... and sat... and waited... and went and got a drink from the cafeteria... and waited and read some more... and went and put more money in the meter.
Then my turn came.
And I cried as I told the Doctor what was happening.
She agreed to my not going to grave shift and getting me a note... but the receptionist would draft it, and she would sign and approve it.
So I sat and waited... and sat and waited.
And checked the note... had it revised and sat and waited some more.

I have the note... with time restrictions on it.
The stress is leaving, the anxiety is abating.
Now I am exhausted, emotionally and physically as the excess adrenaline has left... or all the drugs have left my system. I may sleep unaided tonight.
I wait, slightly curious as to what work will through at me next. Will I be able to keep taking my stupid French class???
These are things that I think about...
Are they my only concerns?
Not really.
Right now, I just want to stay calm and sleep in.

Thanks to all my friends for listening and being there for me this week.
You all mean more to me than you can imagine.

I've been told I can be a little dramatic, and over-whelming, especially during what might be construed as a "crisis" in my life.
I've also been told that I over-react and over-analyze. There's also the over-thinking and the jumping to conclusions.

I think this time... I can safely say... Even though I thought of worse case scenario - when it was presented to me, I was shocked, scared and extremely upset.
Then my mind went into over-drive.. Then panic set in...

Thank goodness for friends.
The ones you can call for those words of wisdom.
Or just ... The words of reason.
That friend who can talk my down.
Ease my madness.
not necessarily make me see reason - but make me feel better.

I'm glad you were there for me tonight, when I needed you (again).
Has the panic gone? Yup.. Thanks to the pill.

The way I see it.. In my clarity since the pill... I am still on grave, until I get a note that CLEARLY states otherwise and that meets the standards of my workplace. So that better be a damn good note.
My Doctor better show up for my appointment on Tuesday morning or I may find myself admitted to that psych ward because the anxiety of this alone is enough to put me there.

Yes.. I still have a job...
I just want my sanity.

I never blog about work.
Unless it directly affects my mood, my stress level and my daily mindset.

Needless to say... I'm blogging about work.
Because the Shit is hitting the fan.

Basically - a business if there to make money. When the profits are down, the business has to change the way it is run - and people either lose jobs or there is a restructuring.

48 cashiers in my department no longer have cashier jobs. Some of these people have been in my department for 6 and a half years, and are full-time employees, there are 2 departments that have been eliminated... all in all 148 jobs have been displaced. There are other jobs that they can pick from in the company... but it is still scary and crazy. They can also accept a buy-out and leave the company. These are friends and people I care about.

This impacts me directly simply because... there are now no bodies to fill the spaces left buy the cashiers that were "displaced". So I will be forced to move to another shift... Or I can leave my job too (without the buyout or the option of another job.)

I have no qualms about helping out.. I understand that these changes need to be done. IT is the way that they are going about making these adjustments that is aggravating and adding stress. It is NOT voluntary, it is a forced situation. I am taking a night class and I would like t o go to it. I just HOPE that I will have Wednesday nights off so I can go.
All these changes start as of MONDAY the 18th.. and they haven't even made an official notice yet.

A couple of my best friends are affected by this.
I don't want them to go, or change departments.
I hate this.