Monday, June 27, 2011
the downward spiral continues
I hate this feeling of helplessness, this knowing the result of not getting a handle on the depression and the inability to fight any longer. I have the sinking suspicion that people just don't believe that I am hurting because I keep going. I keep functioning where they would be on their asses in bed from the pain... they don't grasp that the more I do and the busier I am the less I acknowledge that pain... that constant pulsing and pressure under my skull. It is driving me insane, I just want it to stop.
i see the new psychiatrist on July 5.
I see the neurologist again tomorrow. I have to tell him that the pain is driving me crazy and I need to go back on the medication, and he has to OK it. I have to face the CT results. Tomorrow feels like it going to suck.
i see the new psychiatrist on July 5.
I see the neurologist again tomorrow. I have to tell him that the pain is driving me crazy and I need to go back on the medication, and he has to OK it. I have to face the CT results. Tomorrow feels like it going to suck.
Dragonfly 6/27/2011 11:35:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
| 
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Son-of-a-cracker
I have been trying not to swear... it is the only things I can do, as everything I interact with makes me angry. So angry O want to scream and spew expletives at the top of my lungs... and having kids around means the language must be a G rating!
The feelings I am experiencing right now:
Frustration
Anger
Alone
Crazy
Heart-broken
Disinterest
DONE...
I am done, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to argue with kids, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to hate the way my life is not being lived.
I don't want to watch life get left beihind.
I feel lazy simply because I can't enjoy my life and all that it entails because I am consumed by pain and light sensitivites. Noise levels are factors as well... I know it is a migraine, but its interfierring with my quality of life... I can't even have sex the way I want... this isn't how i WANT MY life to be.
The feelings I am experiencing right now:
Frustration
Anger
Alone
Crazy
Heart-broken
Disinterest
DONE...
I am done, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to argue with kids, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to hate the way my life is not being lived.
I don't want to watch life get left beihind.
I feel lazy simply because I can't enjoy my life and all that it entails because I am consumed by pain and light sensitivites. Noise levels are factors as well... I know it is a migraine, but its interfierring with my quality of life... I can't even have sex the way I want... this isn't how i WANT MY life to be.
Dragonfly 6/23/2011 11:48:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Hell is now my home
Well, it certainly feels like it anyway.
My mood is shit, I am bitter and ready to scream and fight, but not argue. I am so full of negativity that it is spilling out of me uncontrollably. I am disgruntled and sad, and powerless over my self, my pain and my mood. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth and sadly that is out of my control. I am so adamantly sticking to this motherfucking diet that it is driving me crazy... the things I see and want and cant have make me what to scream...
it doesn't help that the boy and the kids keep bringing this into the house and waving it in front of my face.
I hate dieting because of the things that are denied, and this is torturous.
I feel also like I am salt and sugar deprived and the carbs I do get to indulge in are just not the same. And as scary as it sounds the gluten free crap is higher in calories and fat... that's crazy to me.
It is so hard right now. My head is pounding and full of pressure. My anger has given me energy to move but my head wont allow it. My stomach feel so unsatisfied and my heart is broken as we clean up after one of the 2 family members that passed last month. I am surrounded by people who keep the true feelings bottled up and who aren't as compassionate as the could be. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the state we live in, and I have a renewed sense of fear that this migraine is caused and perpetuated by the mold, and unknown agents spewing forth from the disaster of a bathroom. I also feel powerless to do anything about it as it isn't my house (regardless of what he says) and it isn't my money that will be paying for the repairs/remodel.
This is crazy
this hell i find myself in.
and i can't even say its in my head
i am a product of my environment
and there is too much for me to process without the insanity snaking its way through the core of my synapses.
I yearn for peace
I yearn for sanity
i yearn to end the suffering.
I yearn for heaven, not hell.
My mood is shit, I am bitter and ready to scream and fight, but not argue. I am so full of negativity that it is spilling out of me uncontrollably. I am disgruntled and sad, and powerless over my self, my pain and my mood. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth and sadly that is out of my control. I am so adamantly sticking to this motherfucking diet that it is driving me crazy... the things I see and want and cant have make me what to scream...
it doesn't help that the boy and the kids keep bringing this into the house and waving it in front of my face.
I hate dieting because of the things that are denied, and this is torturous.
I feel also like I am salt and sugar deprived and the carbs I do get to indulge in are just not the same. And as scary as it sounds the gluten free crap is higher in calories and fat... that's crazy to me.
It is so hard right now. My head is pounding and full of pressure. My anger has given me energy to move but my head wont allow it. My stomach feel so unsatisfied and my heart is broken as we clean up after one of the 2 family members that passed last month. I am surrounded by people who keep the true feelings bottled up and who aren't as compassionate as the could be. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the state we live in, and I have a renewed sense of fear that this migraine is caused and perpetuated by the mold, and unknown agents spewing forth from the disaster of a bathroom. I also feel powerless to do anything about it as it isn't my house (regardless of what he says) and it isn't my money that will be paying for the repairs/remodel.
This is crazy
this hell i find myself in.
and i can't even say its in my head
i am a product of my environment
and there is too much for me to process without the insanity snaking its way through the core of my synapses.
I yearn for peace
I yearn for sanity
i yearn to end the suffering.
I yearn for heaven, not hell.
Dragonfly 6/07/2011 08:46:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
I don't know
I don't know why I feel this way, and why I can't break the cycle... I want food. All sorts of food. I want that comfort feeling I could get... feeling full inside and feeling comforted outside. There is nothing on this diet that can do that for me...
I don't know why the deaths of 2 people who aren't my family are affecting me so much. I feel relief that they are no longer suffering, and that the kids seem to be OK with the deaths of their grandparents. Maybe its the proximity, the closeness of the passings, 2 people, divorced for over a decade pass within 10 days of each other. Maybe its that I feel like a bystander, that my family isn't a part of this, that even though they welcomed me in to the family I am not really a part of it.
It makes me feel isolated. not officially being part of the family. Especially now.
I don't know why the deaths of 2 people who aren't my family are affecting me so much. I feel relief that they are no longer suffering, and that the kids seem to be OK with the deaths of their grandparents. Maybe its the proximity, the closeness of the passings, 2 people, divorced for over a decade pass within 10 days of each other. Maybe its that I feel like a bystander, that my family isn't a part of this, that even though they welcomed me in to the family I am not really a part of it.
It makes me feel isolated. not officially being part of the family. Especially now.
Dragonfly 6/01/2011 07:33:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|