Tales From the Dark Side

This is getting ridiculous.
I lie in bed at night exhausted, and wide awake. Waiting for something to click.
And I have these epiphanies that seem so clear, so thought provoking, and so profound. But I know that as soon as I turn on the light, grab a pen and my journal they will be lost. There is no way I can type on the iPad fast enough to get the thoughts down either. Even this keyboard takers a minute to set up and that is too long

My mind is going... my sanity and my clarity. My memory, both long and short. I feel like I am living in a fog. Behind a mirror, where things go out, but nothing comes back, its all reflected off the glass that is me, never to be thought again.

I hate this. I know the medication is doing something, because things are still funny, sad, thought provoking, mindless... but I am so close to tears all the time. I cry myself to sleep, lost in thought. I am angry too... at all the things I have lost, the time, money, fun times...Just going to a movie means taking a narcotic... a pain killer so I can stand the noise for 2 hours. I hate that I get so sad while driving... that I still want to drive off the skyway, that the pain is too much to bear. I keep scaring myself more and more.

And I am terrified of becoming addicted to this stuff. To all of it. It is so bad for me. For anyone. And I almost have an unlimited supply.

And I am still afraid to tell Rob how I feel... I did mention that I don't like being introduced as his girlfriend. But I don't think he gets how I really feel about it.

Th insanity is growing.
My list of fears grows daily.
My memory fades more each day.
The wall gets higher with each pill I take.
And the fear for myself gets deeper.

Maybe I should admit myself into the psych ward.

I know texting isn't the most ideal method of communication. I get it, but really, is it too much to ask to get a response.
I hate going away without Rob. I cherish his touch, the comfort I get from just being around him. And being apart is physically draining for me. So those texts... well, they give me emotional strength. If I ask him a direct question I do get an answer... usually... but replying immediately does not always get a response... and it breaks my heart.
Just typing this I am crying.
I cannot help but feel like an idiot for needing the contact, regardless of how stupid texting may be. But there it is. Being alone, without him. And my feeling like I have been abandoned or am being punished for going to see my family without him. He couldn't come on this trip because of having to work today and driving to Windsor for an afternoon is ridiculous! It is such a long journey. And I feel like I am being punished.
Maybe this is what Melissa meant that I am being controlled by him... he has too tight a hold on my emotional happiness... Stupid love.

I finally made it down to Windsor. It is just the girl and I ... girls weekend. We left the boys at home. Rob works on Sunday morning so this worked out easier... It also means there are fewer people in the house. That is a good thing, as it is noisy here.

But it does feel like home. I find comfort here, having conversations and being included. It is wonderful.

Sometimes I feel very awkward, and like a guest at Robs house.
And, it is Robs house... it will never be mine. I have come to accept that now. All I want to do is make it something he doesn't want. Or isn't comfortable with.

I don't know.
Maybe i am thinking too much.

This has certainly been an interesting and stressful couple of weeks.
Melissa breaking up with me, Robs dad passed away (resulting in 2 trips back and forth to Sudbury in a week) and LeeAnns baby shower in London. Plus a migraine, doctors appointments... and the little house still isn't rented.
I don't know why my body hasn't shut down. I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for... its not getting easier, its just survival.

I still feel like I have lost my voice... lost control of the things I love to do and that I want to do... i have been sucked into their worlds and fulfilling their needs over mine. I don't mean for that to selfish... but when do I get to learn something new, or go hang with friends and not be responsible for them... I guess never.

I miss casualness... and just being surrounded by all the stress has made me realize that.
It has also made me realize that I need to be acknowledged as something other than the "girlfriend". It actually hurts my feelings when he says that. I never thought it would. But it does...

I came into Christmas stressing about how everyone would receive their gifts, to feeling further from the family than i thought possible.
I can blame Melissa for putting it back in my head... moving out would be better for my health...

No.
Moving out is running away without facing my true feelings.
Admitting how much I want to be a part of his family.
And that I don't want to stay silent. I am afraid that if i do open my mouth and say what is truly on my mind I will regret it, just like I always do.
My feelings/thoughts/actions tend to blow up in my face and I can't handle disturbing the peace that i think we have.

I know he loves me.
And I him.
Is that truly enough????