Tales From the Dark Side

Yesterday was probably the most heart-wrenching day ever since I decided to move.

And everything ended perfectly OK...

Em and I have been worried that P would not move out and that I would be screwed but we always joked that i would just move into her bedroom until we figured it out... well she was left a note yesterday from P saying that he has talked to the Landlords Tenant and Housing Authority and that she had acted illegally... needless to say he wasn't leaving.
So we called...

According to them because she rents the house and rents to him she is not a landlord under the law so that ACT does not apply to her, therefore they can't do anything... so we called the free lawyers clinic... they only help tenants - she is acting in the capacity of a landlord - STUPID LOOPHOLE....
Finally get a hold of LANDLORD HELP-DESK... they say the same thing... you aren't a landlord Em... he is not a tenant... no laws apply in your situation... put a notice up saying that on the 28th you are changing the locks and if he is not out you are removing his stuff. As the LEGAL tenant it is within her RIGHTs to do so!!!

It took us 2 hours ro find this out yesterday...
Scariest 2 hours ever!
First I thought I was going to have to put most of my stuff in storage and live in a room with 3 cats... Now I may be packing someone elses crap before I can unload my crap to move in!! Thank God I have the truck for 24 hours!

And I wonder if I renamed my blog properly - but I think I got it right. For some reason Chaos finds me....
But everything is back on track.
The BF is here to help this weekend withthte taking down of curtain rods and wall mirrors, and the moving of a few boxes.
Maybe we'll take some stuff to the garage too! That might be fun!

Five years ago my best friend got sick and when she found out her daughter would be motherless asked me to be her Godmother. She left me a letter stating that if I ever felt that I had to take Robyn from her house into my own she would support my decision.

This weekend while I was in Kincardine my godchild asked me if she could come live with me after she turns 12. Because at the age of 12 she is able to go before the courts and tell the judge who she wants to live with.
When I told her that living with me would have rules and regulations, that would have to be followed and that it would not all be fun and games, she said that she knew that and would agree to follow ALL of the rules that I laid out.

It broke my heart...
I mentioned that her mother worked really hard to give custody to her step-dad. And that he would be really heartbroken to know that she wanted to leave him.

I know that she doesn't want to go to her biological fathers anymore, I know that she is angry about the Custody agreement that has been in place since she was 5. She wants to be in control of her weekends, and have better access to her friends and family on her terms... but I don't think she realizes that moving here with me is going to help that as I work too!

I told her everything is going to change when she gets into high school. She only has 2 more years then she starts grade nine... everything will be different... she doesn't care... she wants to be with me and if I won't help her she wants to live with her Grandmother (and her mother barely survived that house).

But do I keep my promise to Bec and do everything to help the child - take her and keep her happy or do I do nothing... but wait...
She turns 12 in April. I have the number for the Children's lawyers association in Toronto and they provide legal aide to kids... I think I'll wait intil after the move.

Other than that the weekend was good.

I don't know if it's the pending move; or the return to work and everything that goes along with it; the packing; the going to Kincardine for the weekend; or the BF situation or the combination of it all but I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

I am getting a lot of packing done (Boy I have a lot of stuff) I thought I was organized but the actual move date is getting closer and closer and I feel like I have so much to do. I have to go home this weekend (Dad's B-day and I should get him a gift but with what money). Mind you they are trying to get rid of stuff by giving it to me so I doubt they need anything...
I am living with the bare essentials, but anyone who knows me knows that is how I live my live 97% of the time anyway so there really isn't a difference... it just feels so CHAOTIC with all the boxes and I can't hise them.. there's too many now.

I think I'm down to the clothes, kitchen and the bathroom (but the bathroom is half done) and the computer... but the computer will be one of the last things, besides the TV and the bird.
The kitchen is easy since it is only two cupboards and the fridge/freezer and I am not shopping betwwen now and the move (except salads).

I'm starting to not like this though.

I want to have a nap!

As I had finally calmed myself down, last night I did a Tarot reading. Lets just say I am surrounded by conflict and as long as that conflict is around me, my creativity is stifled.
The future sees the conflict ending and it being painful and my creativity being released, the future unfolding. It also mentioned I was ready for marriage and children... interesting as that is what the root of this whole anxiety in my relationship is - I want to take the next step and I doubt that he does...

Still - my focus is the move and return to work.

Can you imagine? Three posts in one day...
I feel better now though. The writing has helped. I talked to my Aunt, she is always my rock... my guiding force. She reminded me that I over-think everything.

I packed another box tonight.
I heard from my sister - she's busy - wants a baby, think our mother is crazy (now we know where I get it).
I have cried so much today I am dehydrated... I've had lots of water tonight already.

I have decided to refocus on moving and going back to work. 2 more weeks til Moving Day.
1 month til I return to work.

It is going to be busy!
I need to keep my wits about me...
where is my clarity now?

At a time when things should be looking up for me, I am wallowing in self-pity. I don't want that... I don't want to be down, I don't want to have these emotions and waste any more tears on this but they just keep coming.

In 2 weeks I will be moving... at that time I am starting a new chapter in my life... finally walls and a kitchen just for me. I should be happy.

Yet I wonder whether or not my man will be by my side come the summer - should I be worried about that now, or just worry about going back to work and the move.

I think I should focus on the move and going back to work! That is so much more of a worry.

I am an idiot.
And I am allowed to call myself that.

I don't know what's wrong.
I may still be over-reacting to everything, over-sensitive to life do to my birthday, pending return to work, February, boredom, the MOVE, stress.

I think I cried more yesterday than I have in the last 2 months and I don't really know why - it is a mystery... is it the distance I see in my relationship (if I can even call it that).

I asked him how he could be happy with us...
Then I said he wasn't doing anything to change it.

He says I hate Valentines Day and I disagree... I say I have never had one worth remembering... and that Valentines and my birhtday are NEVER to be combined unless it is a trip. And he did nothing not even a card.

And I wonder why I cry...

I never thought a PS2 would make me cry - but it did.

The sentiment was there - he wanted me to have one of my own to play the game I love so much whenever I want without having to NAG him to borrow his (he bought befoore I decided to move into a house that already has one, and he did not know that FF had offered to lend me her spare unit.)

But to me - it was just one more thing to show that our future together was further apart than I thought. I was not expecting (OR hoping for) a ring. I don't know what I though it might be. But the PS2, as cool as that is (and it is the new slim unit that is very tiny) just filled me with hurt.
I was actually relieved when Tan called me to go upstairs where I could cry freely and she said that she understood. That almost made it worse. Her understanding. It doesn't happen very often.

J and I went for breakfast this morning and wandered around... went into Home Depot to see the entertainment center I love and it was gone - so were all the firelogs I buy...
then i come home and check my e-mail and blog...
And it seems Firefly has misunderstoods my comment (maybe I am the one misunderstanding - who knows) but I feel like I am incapable of doing anything right at the moment. Nothing is going well for me, I am alone on my birthday as J is gone to work - never took the day off, not celebrating Valentines Day (alone again - or I may as well be) and all my friends are abandoning me.

Thank God I am going back to work...
At least I'll have less time in my day.... more stuff to do.

I don't want to do anything.

I wonder if it has to do with my pending birthday (it almost always sucks and I realize that my life is stuck in a rut which is why I am moving). I can't pack amything else without disrupting the normal flow of day to day living - as I refuse to live out of boxes for more than 3 days.

Is it that I have been off of work for so long I am just done... nothing to do. I beat Tiger and that was my goal and now I don't even care.

I read Goblet of Fire in 3 days! That's got to be a record... I started it late Friday night and finished it early this morning and only read for an hour yesterday! How long will it take me for Order of the Pheonix. I know I have read them before but I read them once a year and this is the month - so whatever...

I don't want to do anything..
I SHOULD go to Kincardine and delover Christmas gifts to my dad and Godchild (as I haven't been there yet) but I don't feel like driving for the three hours - alone... my boyfriend is barely speaking to me as I am trying to adjust my sleep schedule for when I go back to work and he calls at 9pm as he is leaving for work, then he'll call at midnight as I am rying to go to sleep and wonder why I am not talkative... DUH I'm medicated!!!
It is stupid....

I really hope these are my birthday blah's and will pass in one week...

I want to go back to work...