Tales From the Dark Side

Four weeks left until Christmas. Bah Humbug

I would like to forgo the entire season. Only, it seems that I have no choice but to participate.
Fortunately I have to work.
So, my participation is limited.
Family is going to have to see me on my terms, either before Christmas or after and only for the day and if the weather is bad then they are out of luck.

This is supposed to be the season of love and giving and sharing...
I know that, yet, the memory of every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day travelling between Dad's Mom's and Grandma's. With a lunch here or there and stopping in at other family or friends...

Being stuffed into the back of a car with my 2 siblings for hours and the fighting that would ensue. Yup - that is what I remember.
Now it is driving for hours alone to get to a family or friends house, spending money on them (that I don't have), to only turn around and drive back to get to work the next day. I barely speak to my family when I am home so it just doesn't seem worth it to me.
We don't gather all together.
And we are not the best communicators.
With eachother.

Christmas is for the kids.
But I don't have any.
Does that mean that I have to be at everyone elses disposal?
Bleh!!!
Can it be January now?

It wasn't supposed to be like that.
I closed the drawer. Poured the tokens into the machine... the bag filled... during the squat at which time I had to change change the bag the top drawer opened... I turned and bang... the back of my head made contact with the drawer... not hard enough that I saw stars... or fell over... which is saying something being as I was squatting at the time... but hard enough that I said... "Damn... That sucked!!!" and I shut the drawer and finished what I was doing.

Being the good worker bee that I am... I reported the incident to my supervisor. Was sent to "medical", filled out the appropriate WSIB forms and have had a lovely headache ever since. Oh... and the nurse gave me advil... not the really good... Halloween Candy for pain Advil that I have... but advil nonetheless...

It didn't really help.

My head still hurts.

Moral: drawers that open on their own... need to be avoided... at all costs.

I feel guilty for all the negativity I have been spewing. I despise that I feel this way. The fact that I can go to work and pretend to be happy and outgoing and "genuinely" show patrons that smile that shows I care when I say hello to them makes me want to stab myself repeatedly with a plastic spoon.
Yet... inside I mock them all. I cry when I don't balance at the end of shift, even though it is a paperwork error and I end up balancing anyway... I still cried.
I came home and had cake. I feel guilty about that too. The cake was good... the extra icing made it all the more sweet... now I feel like the aquafit class was a complete waste of my time.

I said I was going to bed an hour ago... but the sugar is still coursing through my veins and I find myself strangely alert.
I want to sleep but don't want to take an insomnia pill as I don't want to sleep all day tomorrow - I have to get up to go to see my therapist in the morning... that will be interesting. She'll tell me to take the pills.
The pills make me sleep... and they make me grumpy... like I need any help. I can do grumpy pretty good on my own right now.
I was told by a 70 year old man that I am a "keeper" and I should be beating boys back with sticks. They should be lining up around me, he said. I wanted to ask him where they were. I have been told for so many years - by some many people that I am a girl for marrying, not for fooling around with... So why aren't the guys lined up at my door?
Oh... and I had to take my car in today... it stalled in my driveway and has been hesitating on the gas pedal... I don't like that... It needed the throttle body cleaned. AND they found a screw in my tire... plus they checked all fluids, changed the oil and rotated the tires. I will need spark plugs soon too. But the guy said they are OK for now. I am starting to hate Maggie... She doesn't talk - but her silence is deafening. *um... yes.. I named my car Maggie... What? You got a problem with that? I have Simpsons car mats too!*

So... How was your day?

I love that movie. I describes your own version of heaven, and hell. And that you create it yourself of the images that comfort or distress you the most in your life, or death.

Right now, I long for that comfort. Everyday I feel like I am losing all sense of control of everything in my life. Even the things that I am good at and usually don't have to worry about are slipping from my grasp... I keep making mistakes at work. Little mistakes that, as of yet - have not cost me anything, but mistakes nonetheless. I do not like the error making. I do not like losing control. I don't need to start making mistakes at work, now is not a good time for that... Not at all. And these mistakes cause me distress that I do not need right now.

I am aware that I am not God, I do not control everything that goes on in my life, but the strength that I felt only weeks ago is fading so quickly I fear it will never return. This is my fear, an emotion that is mine to possess as irrational as it may be, I am aware of it, and I know it is irrational to be afraid of losing control, but there it is regardless.

A work acquaintance commented that my life is one interesting, crazy life story after another. I asked her why I couldn't just lead a normal boring life. And she responded with a "because you wouldn't know how to handle that either."
I know that she's right. At least this way I have actually stories and events to take to my therapist and my Dr and relay to them WHY I am losing My FUCKING marbles. They have to know the entire story.
Only then will they give my the guidance and direction I need to get me out of the emotional mudhole I find myself stuck in. Mentally: I am neckdeep and finding it difficult to breath. Basically, I am on the verge of a major panic / anxiety attack or a nervous phucking breakdown. That's right, 3 days crying , in bed with 4 boxes of Scotties Brand tissues.

Well I say... Lets go for the breakdown... But I'll make it a 1.5 day long one... I have stuff to do this weekend... And I have to work tomorrow...

So I'll schedule it for late Friday afternoon until Saturday evening or early Sunday morning. I can give myself a 6 hour window... That's cool. That gives me time to get things done on Friday morning and then... Breakdown time. I'm all set!!! I even have the boxes of Scotties on hand.

I'm not ready to join the ranks of the suicides in the movie... hells no... I am pretty sure I scared the bejebers out of my sister tonight on IM with a comment tonight (sorry about that BTW *HUGS*)... I just want to be able to shut out the rest of my family. Make them all go away and have them lead their lives and not interact with me at all. Actually, I am ready to shut out the rest of the world. I just want to go about my life... Work, sleep aquafit and home without having to deal with anyone elses problems, insanity, or crisises... is that too much to ask?

I moved here, hours away from my family for school originally, and I stayed for a job. I lost my best friend, and the threads holding the remnants of my sanity together were unraveled in the months during her illness and death.
I stayed because of a job I enjoyed, amazing benefits and the distance I found from a family that adds insurmountable stress to my already fragile emotional core. I found a circle of support here that I had not found in my hometown (a place where I never truly felt like I belonged to begin with).

People tell me to take care of myself, how can I do that when those that I am supposed to love insist on getting into situations that warrant involvement on my part, or the part of another sibling?
Take care of yourself, DF!!! But would you be able to help!!!

Yup... I am a spineless insect... I will fly to your aide... Ask and you shall receive.
I will do your bidding.
I just hope I don't get fired along the way... Because who will be there to catch me when I fall?

If you are going to ask for peoples support... Would it not be best to offer your support to them as well. Work is so much better when supervisors and management follow the rules they expect the staff to adhere too... the day goes smoother.

I was told by a patron today that I made their day brighter. Usually they have bad experiences, but I made it better. I made sure to tell the supervisor what she said. The supervisor focused on the negative... Not he positive... I wasn't praised. I don't want a pat on the back.. I just want acknowledgement.

My cat is stupid. I hate the bird again. I ignore him a lot of the time. I feel bad about it too. But they are mine... And I chose them... I think.

I dreamt about a snowstorm last night. My car was parked in front of my childhood home, when the neighbours truck slid down his driveway and crashed into my car. My poor car ended up on it's roof in the front yard, broken and battered. I awoke very upset. Because I had dreamt about the destruction of my car... Again, my childhood home and snow. My three least favourite things.

My life is out of my hands again. I feel like it is out of control and I am just along for the ride. I don't particularly like this, and part of me wants to get off... Part of me wants to see where I end up. Mostly I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that I am not alone. Or a hug.

I am afraid to cry, I don't think I would be able to stop if I started.

When I eat too much sugar I get a tummy ache... I had a tummy ache all day today.

I really want the slide to be fixed at aquafit... I miss it. But I now touch the bottom of the pool everytime I jump in... When I first started going I had to struggle to touch the bottom in the deep end. Not anymore.

I really hate salads. I force myself to eat them everyday. It's going to be a long winter at this rate. Why does it get harder and harder to eat the food that is best for you when cold weather comes? All summer I was fine... But now I just don't want salad. It really disappoints me. Yes there is soup too... But that doesn't get the veggies in me... Does it!!!???

I have to sleep. But I don't sleep well. Not when my brain is like this. Too many thoughts running in circles and I have to let them out. I could take my 'insomnia' pills but I don't want to be hungover tomorrow - besides they make me grumpy. And I am grumpy enough.

I have to go to bed... Now