Friday, June 23, 2006
Tired and prejudice (or something like that)
I'm tired
I'm tired of packing
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of living in the moldy basement from hell
I'm tired from lack of decent sleep
I'm tired of the crazy that I live with
I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and being nice (cause it's really hard)
I'm tired of bitching
I'm just tired
And all I can think about is 4 more sleeps.
I took Monday off work cause I am so "freakin" tired.
And I have a lot to do.
So ... I'll see if it helps.
June has been a blur, a chaotic disaster of sorts.
I miss my calm, busy schedule of work gym blog and bed.
I want it back.. and I shall have it.
in July!
I can't wait!
I'm tired of packing
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of living in the moldy basement from hell
I'm tired from lack of decent sleep
I'm tired of the crazy that I live with
I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and being nice (cause it's really hard)
I'm tired of bitching
I'm just tired
And all I can think about is 4 more sleeps.
I took Monday off work cause I am so "freakin" tired.
And I have a lot to do.
So ... I'll see if it helps.
June has been a blur, a chaotic disaster of sorts.
I miss my calm, busy schedule of work gym blog and bed.
I want it back.. and I shall have it.
in July!
I can't wait!
Dragonfly 6/23/2006 07:43:00 PM
| 1 people trying to cheer me up
| 
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Misery (loves company)
Is it too late to hire movers?
or does bribing Firefly and E with sushi count?
Cause I just want to be there already and not have to deal with any of this any more.
I have been told that moving is the most stressful thing you will ever do.
I know I have the inner strength to do this.
There's reserves here somewhere.
Right now.
I am just ready to give up.
I even called in reinforcements.
I call her Mom.
Yup - I'm that desperate.
Not quite suicidal.
Just desperate.
or does bribing Firefly and E with sushi count?
Cause I just want to be there already and not have to deal with any of this any more.
I have been told that moving is the most stressful thing you will ever do.
I know I have the inner strength to do this.
There's reserves here somewhere.
Right now.
I am just ready to give up.
I even called in reinforcements.
I call her Mom.
Yup - I'm that desperate.
Not quite suicidal.
Just desperate.
Dragonfly 6/21/2006 10:07:00 AM
| 1 people trying to cheer me up
|
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Memoirs of a Geisha
There's something to be said for clarity...
can you hear me now...
good.
I have been thinking about my life lately. Things I like about it.. Things I don't.
Where I am, and where I would like to be.
This is what I have come up with.
My Home... for the last 5 years (or more) I have lived in one bad place after another. I left a great apartment (OK it was hot in the winter, and hot in the summer... but it was a great place, it was clean, and close to everything I liked) and moved in with a friend. That friend was the devil in disguise. Then I moved into the dungeon, that became my pit of despair, I lived there in semi-happiness where my existence was just that... An existence. I tried to make it a home, but I was always the girl downstairs. When I decided to move I moved into a house, with one issue after another.
Next week, I move again.
This time, it is home. Quiet, comfortable, airy and mine. A house, but an apartment at the same time. I already feel more comfortable there than I ever have anywhere else I have lived.
I would like to be there now.
My Job... I have been in the same job for 8 years and 1 month. And I have to say... I don't hate it. I really don't. I have found a shift I like, it fits my lifestyle now. I enjoy the people I work with. The customers will always be the people they are, and if I can make someone happy then my job is done. I have no idea what else I would do, I know I would survive, but I really like the job. Doing it forever... No. But for now, the benefits are fantastic and as long as I don't hate it, I think I am a step ahead of the crazy train! Whoo hoo!
My Body... I don't see what everyone else sees. I am not comfortable in my own body or my own skin. But then again, I am not comfortable in my own head most days, so this makes sense. Maybe. Clothes intimidate me. Form fitting scares me, as I still see the rolls and bumps, and I don't trust that others will say they exist. Am I making myself sick... no... I know this is a self-image/self-esteem problem, that's what I am in therapy.
My Love Life... I am not lonely... the voices in my head are company enough. I don't need a man to be complete. And no.. that isn't a mantra. I don't need a woman either. I have to be comfortable with who I am before I can include another person in my "so-called" life. So...when the time comes for me to start looking, then I will look. But in the meantime, I will covet from afar. If he happens to come into my life sooner than anticipated, so be it. I mean - who am I to argue with fate.
My Chaos Theory... I hate it. Yet it follows me around. And it hits me hard. It's not just one thing I get hit with at one time, it's a couple. My problem ,and another I am working on in therapy, is that I get overwhelmed and run-away, both physically and emotionally. So... I write, I blog, I vent. And I may still be overwhelmed.. but I can function. And functioning is the main goal of my existance. Do I want the chaos to leave me alone? Of course! Will it? No, only how I deal with it will. If I can do it alone... well! Yeah for me!
My Friends... I have more than I realize. Some I would give my first born too... and that is saying a lot being as I don't want kids - so that friend would actually get a kid! hehehe... and others I would like to be as good a friend to them as they are too me. Because they are so good to me, I only wish I am half as good to them.
My Family... I love them, because they are my family. I am thankful they live where they do and I live where I do. The distance between us is geographic and mental and we all get alone better that way. They have no idea who I am and I don't want them to know. Yes, it's a choice, but they choose not to share their lives with me as well, so as a family we tend to have the same bizarre thinking. They are pretty good at ignoring what I have to say anyway, so not communicating with them at all is actually easier and less stressful.
My Bi-Polar... yup, it's a label, yup, it is part of who I am. Yup, it defines many of the decisions I have made concerning my present and my future. Everything I do is relative to this mental condition. My current mood is either a deterrent or a facilitater to the situations I can face and the lengths I will go to... like shopping. (Prime example - taking me shopping when I am tired leads to a grumpy DF who will NOT try anything on that she doesn't like on the hanger. See how that works!) I can fake my mood all I want, but eventually it just gets too much. That's why I like the song Flawed Design.. I don't feel like I lie to everyone... I just lie to myself, everyday. My friends call me on it though. They know better. I Know what I live with, I don't want to live with it anymore, and I can't ignore it, I can't make it go away. Just taking pills everyday isn't enough. That's why I write, that's why I have my blogs. That's why I am who I am. I have bi-polar. But I am me. Take me as I am, or leave me. I'm a work in progress. But I am figuring it out.
My Changes... This makes no sense in my head either... but I will try. I would like to be honest with my mood, but that could get me fired. I don't want to go on leave again, I don't want it thrown in my face either during conversations. Leave of absence is NOT an option unless my DOCTOR insists I not go to work (which is what happend last time). I would like to stop using my friends as therapists, and start having conversations that don't always revolve around me. I want to learn the difference between asking for help on important things, and asking for help when I need a friend to listen. I would like longer days, more time, to be moved already, did I mention... more hours in the day... I would like to close my ees and see the sunset or Bec, but all I see is black - nothing, a void. I don't have those visions. The only images I get are in my dreams.
I think this post is long enough.
can you hear me now...
good.
I have been thinking about my life lately. Things I like about it.. Things I don't.
Where I am, and where I would like to be.
This is what I have come up with.
My Home... for the last 5 years (or more) I have lived in one bad place after another. I left a great apartment (OK it was hot in the winter, and hot in the summer... but it was a great place, it was clean, and close to everything I liked) and moved in with a friend. That friend was the devil in disguise. Then I moved into the dungeon, that became my pit of despair, I lived there in semi-happiness where my existence was just that... An existence. I tried to make it a home, but I was always the girl downstairs. When I decided to move I moved into a house, with one issue after another.
Next week, I move again.
This time, it is home. Quiet, comfortable, airy and mine. A house, but an apartment at the same time. I already feel more comfortable there than I ever have anywhere else I have lived.
I would like to be there now.
My Job... I have been in the same job for 8 years and 1 month. And I have to say... I don't hate it. I really don't. I have found a shift I like, it fits my lifestyle now. I enjoy the people I work with. The customers will always be the people they are, and if I can make someone happy then my job is done. I have no idea what else I would do, I know I would survive, but I really like the job. Doing it forever... No. But for now, the benefits are fantastic and as long as I don't hate it, I think I am a step ahead of the crazy train! Whoo hoo!
My Body... I don't see what everyone else sees. I am not comfortable in my own body or my own skin. But then again, I am not comfortable in my own head most days, so this makes sense. Maybe. Clothes intimidate me. Form fitting scares me, as I still see the rolls and bumps, and I don't trust that others will say they exist. Am I making myself sick... no... I know this is a self-image/self-esteem problem, that's what I am in therapy.
My Love Life... I am not lonely... the voices in my head are company enough. I don't need a man to be complete. And no.. that isn't a mantra. I don't need a woman either. I have to be comfortable with who I am before I can include another person in my "so-called" life. So...when the time comes for me to start looking, then I will look. But in the meantime, I will covet from afar. If he happens to come into my life sooner than anticipated, so be it. I mean - who am I to argue with fate.
My Chaos Theory... I hate it. Yet it follows me around. And it hits me hard. It's not just one thing I get hit with at one time, it's a couple. My problem ,and another I am working on in therapy, is that I get overwhelmed and run-away, both physically and emotionally. So... I write, I blog, I vent. And I may still be overwhelmed.. but I can function. And functioning is the main goal of my existance. Do I want the chaos to leave me alone? Of course! Will it? No, only how I deal with it will. If I can do it alone... well! Yeah for me!
My Friends... I have more than I realize. Some I would give my first born too... and that is saying a lot being as I don't want kids - so that friend would actually get a kid! hehehe... and others I would like to be as good a friend to them as they are too me. Because they are so good to me, I only wish I am half as good to them.
My Family... I love them, because they are my family. I am thankful they live where they do and I live where I do. The distance between us is geographic and mental and we all get alone better that way. They have no idea who I am and I don't want them to know. Yes, it's a choice, but they choose not to share their lives with me as well, so as a family we tend to have the same bizarre thinking. They are pretty good at ignoring what I have to say anyway, so not communicating with them at all is actually easier and less stressful.
My Bi-Polar... yup, it's a label, yup, it is part of who I am. Yup, it defines many of the decisions I have made concerning my present and my future. Everything I do is relative to this mental condition. My current mood is either a deterrent or a facilitater to the situations I can face and the lengths I will go to... like shopping. (Prime example - taking me shopping when I am tired leads to a grumpy DF who will NOT try anything on that she doesn't like on the hanger. See how that works!) I can fake my mood all I want, but eventually it just gets too much. That's why I like the song Flawed Design.. I don't feel like I lie to everyone... I just lie to myself, everyday. My friends call me on it though. They know better. I Know what I live with, I don't want to live with it anymore, and I can't ignore it, I can't make it go away. Just taking pills everyday isn't enough. That's why I write, that's why I have my blogs. That's why I am who I am. I have bi-polar. But I am me. Take me as I am, or leave me. I'm a work in progress. But I am figuring it out.
My Changes... This makes no sense in my head either... but I will try. I would like to be honest with my mood, but that could get me fired. I don't want to go on leave again, I don't want it thrown in my face either during conversations. Leave of absence is NOT an option unless my DOCTOR insists I not go to work (which is what happend last time). I would like to stop using my friends as therapists, and start having conversations that don't always revolve around me. I want to learn the difference between asking for help on important things, and asking for help when I need a friend to listen. I would like longer days, more time, to be moved already, did I mention... more hours in the day... I would like to close my ees and see the sunset or Bec, but all I see is black - nothing, a void. I don't have those visions. The only images I get are in my dreams.
I think this post is long enough.
Dragonfly 6/18/2006 08:39:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I'm not Crazy...
I'm just drawn that way.
You know when you are in your car.
and there is s song on the radio that hits a nerve, that you just love
So you go to the store and you try to find it.
And you do
And you get it home and read the words and you thinks... "Damn... That's so me."
Flawed Design by Stabilo
When I was a young boy I was honest and I had more self control if I was tempted I would run
Then when I got older I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it
now I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want, and what I need to make me happy
So instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of action
I will turn off, I will shut down. Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
I will turn off, I will shut down. The chemicals are restless in my head
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Ever since I figured out that I could control other people I've had trouble sleeping with both eyes closed
If I ask permission, if I make sure its ok I promise I won't slip up this time you can trust me
Never take advise from someone who just admitted to being devious who just confessed to treason
I would also never ask a question that I cannot ask myself for it might dirty up my conscience
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
How can you say those things,
why can't you just believe
How can you say those things
and keep a straight face
how can you say those things
why can't we just believe
How can you say those things
and keep a straight face
I will turn off, I will shut down.
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
I will turn off, I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Cuz I lie, IF I could control it maybe I could leave it all behind
Ya I lie, I'm starting to believe it,
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Are these guys bi-polar too?
You know when you are in your car.
and there is s song on the radio that hits a nerve, that you just love
So you go to the store and you try to find it.
And you do
And you get it home and read the words and you thinks... "Damn... That's so me."
Flawed Design by Stabilo
When I was a young boy I was honest and I had more self control if I was tempted I would run
Then when I got older I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it
now I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want, and what I need to make me happy
So instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of action
I will turn off, I will shut down. Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
I will turn off, I will shut down. The chemicals are restless in my head
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Ever since I figured out that I could control other people I've had trouble sleeping with both eyes closed
If I ask permission, if I make sure its ok I promise I won't slip up this time you can trust me
Never take advise from someone who just admitted to being devious who just confessed to treason
I would also never ask a question that I cannot ask myself for it might dirty up my conscience
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
How can you say those things,
why can't you just believe
How can you say those things
and keep a straight face
how can you say those things
why can't we just believe
How can you say those things
and keep a straight face
I will turn off, I will shut down.
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
I will turn off, I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head
Chorus
Cuz I lie. Not because I want to ,
But I seem to need to all the time
Yo I lie. And I don't even know it, maybe
this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Cuz I lie, IF I could control it maybe I could leave it all behind
Ya I lie, I'm starting to believe it,
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed Design
Are these guys bi-polar too?
Dragonfly 6/14/2006 11:11:00 AM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Once and Again
How much is too much?
A class where the teacher gives the homework without teaching the lesson.
Is that too much?
I feel lost and over burdened just in this class alone.
And barely enough time to study.
A move with what feels like no time as life goes on...
cause I have to go to work.
I choose to go to school (thinking I might just learn something).
And no time to pack.
And I am having a hard time finding bodies to help...
although when I moved here I had me and the now ex... and that was fine.
Oh... and BC helped too.
The accident incident has yet to be settled
and it causes me great distress
the insurance company/brokerage ensures me that they are on my side
part of me wants to believe them
yet I am reluctant
I have such a poor tract record and the worst luck ever with shit like this.
My stomach problems are not really better yet
but they aren't as bad as they were.
My mood is shit
I need sleep
and it eludes me
I get grumpier and moodier by the day
I want rest
I want comfort
I want to be in a place where I can finally feel at home
I need to get everything done
and I need to feel better
I feel like a little kid
wanting and needing
kicking and screaming
fighting and crying
cause I am fighting with myself the things that I can and need to do to help myself.
I know what I need to do and I know I can get through this.
I am just overwhelmed.
Again.
A class where the teacher gives the homework without teaching the lesson.
Is that too much?
I feel lost and over burdened just in this class alone.
And barely enough time to study.
A move with what feels like no time as life goes on...
cause I have to go to work.
I choose to go to school (thinking I might just learn something).
And no time to pack.
And I am having a hard time finding bodies to help...
although when I moved here I had me and the now ex... and that was fine.
Oh... and BC helped too.
The accident incident has yet to be settled
and it causes me great distress
the insurance company/brokerage ensures me that they are on my side
part of me wants to believe them
yet I am reluctant
I have such a poor tract record and the worst luck ever with shit like this.
My stomach problems are not really better yet
but they aren't as bad as they were.
My mood is shit
I need sleep
and it eludes me
I get grumpier and moodier by the day
I want rest
I want comfort
I want to be in a place where I can finally feel at home
I need to get everything done
and I need to feel better
I feel like a little kid
wanting and needing
kicking and screaming
fighting and crying
cause I am fighting with myself the things that I can and need to do to help myself.
I know what I need to do and I know I can get through this.
I am just overwhelmed.
Again.
Dragonfly 6/06/2006 10:30:00 PM
| 0 people trying to cheer me up
|
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Taking Lives (mostly my own)
No No No...
No need to call the suicide hotline or 911 or anything like that...
I have figured out that I am my own worst enemy and am pretty good at killing myself slowly and in the most horribly painful methods imaginable without even trying.
And for those of you with a weak stomach or any kind of low tolerance to the grossness level - now would be a good time to skip to the comments and carry on with your blogging...
______
Are you gone?
Just the strong ones left now...
OK!
So.. I've been not feeling good...
Stressed...
and as a result my body did a crazy gonna freak out and over-react kind of thing... or so I thought...
But after a week and a half of abdominal pain and generally feeling like death warmed over...
And being unable to eat due to the severe cramping that would follow.
So I went to the Doctor.
Turns out I had a bacterial infection in my stomach and intestines.
Um.. not cool.
So I am on medication.
And I was feeling better.
Tonight - AKA Self Torture for Dummies...
I decided to go to the gym...
just for a walk around the track...
YEAH!!!
right... like I can just walk...
So I jogged a bit, walked a bit...
2 miles...
um...
I don't think my intestines are feeling better.
I mean... I can eat again without pain...
but exercise is not cool.
I feel like I did last week, all cramps up and swollen.
Someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery.
Cause Damn!
It sucks to be me.
No need to call the suicide hotline or 911 or anything like that...
I have figured out that I am my own worst enemy and am pretty good at killing myself slowly and in the most horribly painful methods imaginable without even trying.
And for those of you with a weak stomach or any kind of low tolerance to the grossness level - now would be a good time to skip to the comments and carry on with your blogging...
______
Are you gone?
Just the strong ones left now...
OK!
So.. I've been not feeling good...
Stressed...
and as a result my body did a crazy gonna freak out and over-react kind of thing... or so I thought...
But after a week and a half of abdominal pain and generally feeling like death warmed over...
And being unable to eat due to the severe cramping that would follow.
So I went to the Doctor.
Turns out I had a bacterial infection in my stomach and intestines.
Um.. not cool.
So I am on medication.
And I was feeling better.
Tonight - AKA Self Torture for Dummies...
I decided to go to the gym...
just for a walk around the track...
YEAH!!!
right... like I can just walk...
So I jogged a bit, walked a bit...
2 miles...
um...
I don't think my intestines are feeling better.
I mean... I can eat again without pain...
but exercise is not cool.
I feel like I did last week, all cramps up and swollen.
Someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery.
Cause Damn!
It sucks to be me.
Dragonfly 6/03/2006 10:12:00 PM
| 1 people trying to cheer me up
|