Saturday, April 25, 2015
An Open Letter To The Boy
I used to be angry, so very angry that your choices, your actions, have led to my having to leave. To the night your father told me he needs to separate me from his children. I used to be angry at you, because your words resonate through my head, you screaming that I am the worst thing to happen to you. You screaming that your mother dying was less horrible than the last 4 years I have been in your house. You screaming that I turned your father into an asshole. I stand by my response to you... that everything that has happened to you has been a result of choices you have made. YOU choose to stay out past your curfew, YOU choose not to do the dishes/chores that your father has designated as yours, YOU choose to leave food and dishes hidden around the house, YOU choose to steal, You choose to break locks, and kick in doors. And YOU get angry when you get in trouble, YOU get angry and punch walls. YOU get angry and punch holes in doors. YOU get angry when things don't go your way and YOU refuse to accept responsibility for YOUR actions.
I really hope you are happy with yourself and all you have accomplished.
You have succeeded in your quest to drive me crazy... I am fighting everyday to stay sane, I am even having anxiety attacks because of you... its all you.
It has not been easy, leaving your father. But the best part has been not having to see you.
I really hope you are happy with yourself and all you have accomplished.
You have succeeded in your quest to drive me crazy... I am fighting everyday to stay sane, I am even having anxiety attacks because of you... its all you.
It has not been easy, leaving your father. But the best part has been not having to see you.
Dragonfly 4/25/2015 12:05:00 PM
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Fear Begets Fear
And I am afraid.
All the time.
About so many different things.
I am afraid that because I am not in my house yet and still with R that the boy will freak out and yell at me... I am afraid of that confrontation. Especially if I can't control my reaction, the words I would spew at that boy.
I am afraid that R is showing me love and sweetness and affection, but has determined that when I am out of his house he will no longer have to see me or talk to me.
I am afraid of being alone. I can't convince myself that I will be ok in that house, I am afraid I won't make it.
I am afraid that I really have caused all this, that my not babying the kids and giving in to their every whim has caused this.
I am afraid that once I leave he won't follow through with anything, the kids won't get help/therapy. I am afraid that there won't be healthy food/meals prepared for them. That they will be overweight and develop the heart disease that R's family has... and R for that matter.
I am afraid that I will lose him.
I am afraid that he has already let me go... he just hasn't said it yet.
Dragonfly 4/25/2015 11:46:00 AM
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Friday, April 17, 2015
A Mystery Solved
This was originally written in March... I posted it on my secret blog... but it fills in some history... I think its important, and can be shared.
He had been trying to convince himself he didn't want me anymore, so he could ask me to leave.
Problem is he does want me. He does love me. But he needs to separate me from his children, the boy especially.
Its too stressful, he doesn't know what he is coming home to everyday. He has no idea what to do so he thinks removing me from the house will solve everything.
I love him. My heart is breaking. I let him in and now I am being abandoned. He says that he doesn't want to lose me, doesn't want me to change my address, that my moving out is only temporary.
It just feels wrong. The wrong decision.
I am terrified that if I leave it will be for good. I already feel as though I am hanging up the proverbial towel. I am in love with a man who is throwing me away, so I am turning my back on him.
So much has happened since I wrote this post, I have been writing more, I have been quiet and secluded, but R and I seem to be ok. Not happy, as this whole situation is nothing to celebrate, but we are ok.
He had been trying to convince himself he didn't want me anymore, so he could ask me to leave.
Problem is he does want me. He does love me. But he needs to separate me from his children, the boy especially.
Its too stressful, he doesn't know what he is coming home to everyday. He has no idea what to do so he thinks removing me from the house will solve everything.
I love him. My heart is breaking. I let him in and now I am being abandoned. He says that he doesn't want to lose me, doesn't want me to change my address, that my moving out is only temporary.
It just feels wrong. The wrong decision.
I am terrified that if I leave it will be for good. I already feel as though I am hanging up the proverbial towel. I am in love with a man who is throwing me away, so I am turning my back on him.
So much has happened since I wrote this post, I have been writing more, I have been quiet and secluded, but R and I seem to be ok. Not happy, as this whole situation is nothing to celebrate, but we are ok.
Dragonfly 4/17/2015 02:00:00 PM
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Titles are Hard.
I managed to get R to open up a bit yesterday. I asked why he was being so quiet, and not talking about anything. He acknowledged that the fact that I cry whenever I mention it doesn't help. But its not a pleasant thought, so why talk about it. He compared it to being excited about going to the dentist to get a filling.It comforts me to know he isn't happy about the move.It gives me hope that he will support me and that I won't lose him... not right now anyway.
So things are taking shape. I have my house now, that water damage has been covered up- and treated... but I don't think its as good as it can be. I have begun the process of cleaning, as my stupid tenant did leave it dirty... pretty sure I smell cat urine in the bedroom... gross. And the tv/internet gets set up on Wednesday. I hate cleaning and the stress isn't helping my head at all. But it will be done and I will do what I can on my own. R is going to help me move stuff... I just hope he isn't expecting the boy to help, because I don't want him near my house.
Interestingly, my dad called me today. He's worried, thinks about me all the time. I can't say that this is easy for him. He isn't strong and worrying about me means he isn't taking care of himself.
I just know that I will be ok. This sucks, and it isn't what I want but I am a survivor and I will be ok. Eventually.
Dragonfly 4/17/2015 01:58:00 PM
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Sunday, April 05, 2015
Who am I really mad at?
I was asked why I am not angry with R. And I really don't have an answer for that.
All of my rage/anger/bitterness is towards the boy. Why not R?
I have watched him struggle with behaviour and attitude issues. I have seen the rage, the anger directed at R from the boy. I have asked and suggested therapy and getting help for the boy, i refuse to nag... that only makes things worse between us.
I have been able to say the things that need to be said to R where I have had to keep my mouth shut and walk on eggshells around the boy... the anger i feel towards the boy has no where to go. I can discuss my feelings and my anger with R and he understands where I am coming from.
I should do an open letter to the boy... i feel there would be a lot of profanity.
All of my rage/anger/bitterness is towards the boy. Why not R?
I have watched him struggle with behaviour and attitude issues. I have seen the rage, the anger directed at R from the boy. I have asked and suggested therapy and getting help for the boy, i refuse to nag... that only makes things worse between us.
I have been able to say the things that need to be said to R where I have had to keep my mouth shut and walk on eggshells around the boy... the anger i feel towards the boy has no where to go. I can discuss my feelings and my anger with R and he understands where I am coming from.
I should do an open letter to the boy... i feel there would be a lot of profanity.
Dragonfly 4/05/2015 06:16:00 PM
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