Tales From the Dark Side

So HE's been on my mind. He's always on my mind really.

I write everyday, just not here. Strange, this blog used to be my daily/weekly sanity... The way I released my demons into the ethos. Now I physically write everyday, a full page in a journal. I have been doing so since December 31st. I think I've only missed 4 days in total. It helps, it really does. It does not mean, however, that I continuously work through all my deep thoughts, worries and woes. It just means I go to bed with a clear head (or at least a less cluttered head) and carry on through the day.

I haven't heard from him. And I realize that I am actually afraid to contact him about anything important... He has trained me to expect a negative reaction when something important needs to be spoken about. I have a question about logistics, and I am afraid to talk to him.. I don't know how I can say or word anything that won't elicit anger in him. Why??? Was it really an abusive relationship? Did I truly become his doormat? Someone to do only his bidding even though he gave the right words to say I was making my own decisions???

I see it now... The choices I have made... Not visiting my father at all after he was diagnosed... Missing out on the guy that fought, the one that talked and reminisced, the one that could pretend to be interested in what the people in his family meant and we're doing... I  regret letting my pseudo-family come first and not choosing to come see my family instead of bending over backwards for Rob, his kids and his family... They always came first...

It's sad that you aren't the man that you were. You are now skin and bones... With he bonus swelling of your arms. You are dying, and there is nothing that we can do about it. 

I was spreading about the benefits of journaling... And the benefits of writing about your emotions in regards to personal growth, mental health and over-all wellness in attitude and health. Writing out your feelings regarding the things that worry you can make drastic improvements in your daily life.

Its always about me, I truly know that, the way I treat people is the way I get treated in return. I shut down, I hide from sight, and I get ignored in return. I shouldn't be surprised every time it happens, yet I am.

It is so very hard when everyone I have ever been truly close to has walked away… or worse yet, died. Those people are the ones that I was comfortable enough with to be silly and vulnerable. And now that they are gone my silliness has gone with them, I gave them my best parts and now I have nothing left.

I fear being alone forever, and that is what I am attracting.
I have forgotten how to be social.
I have no real joy left, its all gone somewhere I can't figure out where, nor how to get it back.

And I am keeping a "friend" just because she says she wants to hang out with me but she is too opinionated and doesn't just listen. She is judgmental and opinionated, and doesn't have a silly bone in her body (anymore). All that ends up happening when I see/hang out with her is that I spend more money than I have, then I get all dressed out because I have overspent. And I haven't even had a good time. Why, oh why, do I even bother…. oh yeah… because I am alone and there is no one else!

I would love to have a group of girl friends, that we all hang out, standing lunch dates, talk, cards… whatever. Its something that I have always seen on tv, and never really been a part of… I mean there was a group of us in high school.. then I found out that they only allowed me to be a part of the group at school and didn't want me around outside of school… I was deliberately left out of activities and conversations. No wonder I don't open up now….
and every attempt to get 2 separate friends together has failed miserably. So I feel like I will never be a part of a group like that, so I hide from it, why strive for what will never be…

Yet, I still want it. I always wanted to be a part of something. Something bigger than what I have had. I don't know how to get it, or do that… and I try to hold onto whatever I can… maybe that's why I haven't told S to leave me alone. Maybe that's why I can't let go of him or his family… because I had what I wanted, someone to always be with… and now that he doesn't want me anymore I am having a hard time letting go.

I want more. I need to figure out how to get there.

Its hard to think about it, harder to imagine it at all, the truth of the situation.

My Dad is dying. It is a conscious act now, stopping treatments, looking for hospice, the decision to go into a palliative coma until his poor, tired organs cease to function. He has fought for 2 years, and I barely saw him, my father and I were not the best communicators, he never could figure out how to engage me, and I was always terrified of him. My sister had everything under control, as she does now, I was no help… just as I will be no help now. But I go because soon, he won't be there for me to try to feed. Its not that I am not expecting it, its always been going to happen. Its that this time we have a general idea of when…

I wish he could go out with a bang… enjoying his last party, drinking too much, laughing until his sides hurt, dancing with the woman he loves… I wish there were more pictures of the good times.
Its too late for that, there is no more time.

My father is dying. It is not even a choice. It is inevitable.