Tales From the Dark Side

My insurance company is sending a Rehabilitation Specialist to discuss my return to work on modified duties as recommended by the second opinion doctor the insurance company forced me to see.

Modified at the casino is not pleasant - management treats youlike you are in Kindergarden, with the mental capabilities of a 4 year old and they expect you to know exactly what your duties are without telling you anything... I have a mental illness... not a good combination.

I have been on modified before - but for physical ailments (broken foot, tendenitis in my hand, sprained shoulder and back) and I have been through this all before. I am a hard worker, I hate demeaning jobs (like sorting cards, or "directing traffic" (a fancy way of saying telling people which line to enter, or pointing them in the direction of the washroom). BUT according to the second opinion doctor I am not to be trusted with hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think that is bull as I have worked with that money "stoned" on migraine meds, with a blinding migraine and balanced to the penny! My concern is YELLING or CRYING in front of the customers and that is a real concern with my disorder, especially if someone gives me a hard time (or not).

This Rehab Specialist is coming on the 31st and is coming to my house... I don't like it!

Em said that I just need to be honest and to make sure that I explain how modified works at the casino... (she has been through the same thing - with the same person)...
A couple more days...

I don't like strangers in my house!

AND
A weird person I don't know just invaded my buddy list soliciting me to join an ADULT dating service... so I yelled at him/her! I have never had that happen before... Now I have to figure out how to stop that from happening EVER again!

In the fall Tan ordered some firewood as I have a wood stove and she has a fireplace in her living room. It finally arrived today.
She hollers down the stairs and tells me to be careful as it had GASOLINE accidently spilled on it and that I should not through the gas smelling ones on an already lit fire!!! (Like I am that stupid). What I don't understand is why she would insist on keeping the wood and allowing it in the garage as it REAKS...and then she stacked it in the garage right beside the door into the house.
I can smell the gas downstairs and it is giving me a headache and it has only been here an hour!

Em was on the phone with me when the news came n about this and she said that she is trying to get me out of here but she just can't make any enemies as all of her crap is going on too... but on a good note - her tenant is going for a job interview and if he gets the job he'll have to move!!!!
That is great news for me!!!

I did go up and close the vents around the garage to keep some of the smell upstairs but I don't think it is helping.
I need to shower and get out of the house as my head hurts a lot!

Just for the record..
TAN is STUPID!

My bloody insurance company called today. They finally got the second opinion report today and the jackass doctor said that I was capable of going back to work but not at my own job... I needed something less stressful, and to not have the responsibility of thousands of dollars. So they are sending a rehab consultant to meet with my doctor and myself to see about my going back to work... which is funny since I already want to go back regardless of when or how. (I get more money at work.) The funny thing that I never told Monique from the insurance company, the insurance and benefits liason at work says there really aren's any modified hours at work to accomodate me anyway!! At least there weren't when I was there last week!
I have until March 17th to get back to work on regular duties or I have to fill out more paper work bacause that's when Long-Term Disability takes over.

I guess I really want to get back to work so i can spen less time thinking and more time doing...
I want a normal life.

I hard a hard time sleeping last night, even eith the new pill to help me relax.
I never did my Tarot.
I did not do my runes.
I need to re-center and refocus as I am beginning to falter.

I just don't know what to do.

I like my plan

Start saving, get together first and last months rent so I can get the hell out of this dungeon.
Get back to work and a "normal" existance, that way I will be less accessable to his schedule.
Pay off Line of Credit.

Immediately - I need to make dinner... I'm hungry!

every waking moment now.
I think about it.
I wonder, I ponder, I run scenario's through my head to the point that it aches.

What am I going to do about the boyfriend situation?
I feel as if I am in limbo, waiting for him.
I know he is a good guy, we have a good time together, he makes me laugh, we have the same tastes in movies and tv, have the same ideals...
we just live differently - I am so independent, he is so complacent and compliant.
He has shown me different aspects to living and the joys that life can bring... is that reason enough to hold on to him.

I know that this is nothing that anyone can help me with.
I need no replies.
I just need to put into words those thoughts that are spewing around my brain.
There are so many things I should do - those things I do to clear my thoughts and help steer me on the right path - my Tarot, Runes, writing. But then I would also have the answer and I think the answer is one thing I really am not ready for. I think right now I am content in this limbo with this question running continuously through my head. It gives me something to think about.

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today.
She asked how things with Jared are. I told her about our "conversation" this weekend and J's avoidance of the topic. We talked about where I want to be and my need to get out of the hell hole I live in and why J won't take the next steps in our relationship. We also talked about his comfort level and his dependance on his parents (a 29 year old loving at home with no immediate desire or drive to get out) and their control on his life. She suggested that my independence and his lack of motivation may be problematic and that our relationship may not be the best... in other words, she suggested that we break up... if that is what I feel I should do.

She also gave me a new med so I can go to sleep earlier than 4am and I am not to read in bed anymore. I have to read outside of bed and get into bed just to go to sleep - nothing else.

When I see her in February we will talk about work: The Return.
She said I need to get out of this house as Tan is PSYCHOTIC! I thought that was funny!

OH... and then I slid down the stairs, so I have a sore ass! Ouch! stupid stairs... and I have rug burn on my arm... stupid rug...
And I think I banged my head... I have a headache too... stupid feet!

So I decided I needed to get my brakes fixed as it really is a necessity!! Stopping is good!!

So I am up really fricking early and I couldn't fall asleep so I feel like throwing up.
I am at the library waiting for my car to be done. I could go home but why?
And I can't access Beauty... This isn't shaping up to be the best day...

OH... And every single book I want to take out of the library is checked out or at the library on the other side of the city, which sucks since my car is currently unavailable...

why me...
I don't feel good...
I think I need to eat.

I did something I never thought would couse me any harm today.

I got up and went out to shovel the driveway (which I shouldn't have to do since I rent). But, be that as it may, outside I went in the freezing rain, which turned into rain while I was out there. I took my time, pushed small amounts of snow and ice and stopped frequently to look around. After an hour I finished and came back inside, had a bottle of water and took a shower. In the shower I felt very hot and my face felt like it was on fire. After my shower I had another bottle of water and felt nauseous, and also felt the beginnings of a headache. And I was still really hot! Very odd considering where I live.

It is now 9 hours later, I have a wicked headache, and still feel sick.

OH and some psycho wanted me to pull over on the QEW today, but I didn't and I was afraid he was going to follow me home, but I had a plan if he followed me. I was driving directly to the police station and honking the horn...
But he turned off at the next exit...
It was very weird as I had heard reports of a rapist having women pull of to the side of the road... I may be mentally unstabe but I'm not crazy!

As for today...
I feel blue and gloomy and I feel like crap.
I think I should go to bed.