Tales From the Dark Side

I get to go to work today...
and I am not looking forward to it.
It isn't because it is Christmas Day... it is because I am exhausted...
BC's kids were up before 5:30 and I heard them at 6am... I heard D's guitar strumming at 6:06am... and he broke a string...
I heard them asking to play their new video games...
I heard BC asking if they wanted French Toast for breakfast.

I finally gave up and went upstairs at 8:00 and got my presents - spongebob socks and slippers... very cool...

The cat and the bird got me a book I was looking at... handy that they learned how to shop HAHAHA!!! I'm pretty sure they got a hold of my debit card to pay for it too... how they got my pin umber I'll never know.

I talked to R... she was up early for a preteen... when she woke up at 6am she decided to go back to sleep... she woke up a couple of times before getting her dad up at 8:19am... For someone who doesn't believe in Santa, she loves Christmas... or gifts. Not sure which... but surprisingly enough Santa still gave her presents. She's a funny kid... got lots of music this year... and is pretty happy about it too... that's probably because music is her life.

My Christmas Wish is for 4 more hours of peaceful sleep... uninterrupted...
and then to go to work...
but instead I will go for a quick day at work... then a warm bed... uninterrupted sleep and ....

Best wishes to everyone.

She has a mind of her own.
Or she's possessed.

I wonder sometimes.

I also question whether the mechanics at my dealership keep messing up my car.
I had to take it in again!!!
This time it was leaking transmission fluid.
Just below where they fixed the coolant leak on Friday.
Bastards...

It ended up being my solonoid pack... they claim they didn't break it.
When they cleaned up the coolant they cleaned the dripping tranny fluid... and didn't notice the leak or they would have fixed it right away... as it was a warranty job...
I think they broke it and are claiming it as warranty as I went in there yelling again...

If it wasn't for the warranty and the fact that I owe more on the car than I would get selling it I would get rid of the car and never go there again.

For now I am stuck with it...

Now if I was a gambler I would hit the slots or buy some lottery tickets... but I must remember that if I didn't have bad luck I would have no luck at all.

There are times when I look at my car with love...
And others when I wonder what she does when I have gone to bed.

I mean really...
I do everything right...
I take her for her oil changes...
I don't drive erratically.
I try not to speed.
I got rid of the long-distance boyfriend so I wasn't putting all the mileage on the car (OK that's not why I did it... But it was a contributing factor to the break-up... he didn't have a car of his own) and know I am not putting a million Kilometers on my car every weekend.

But it seems that now I am constantly taking her in to get something else fixed.

But yesterday I found out it needs a major repair... and it will cost me upwards of $500...
This does not please me...
Not at all.

Thus the anguish of the day.

I am afraid that all the money I have been saving for my Y membership will now have to go towards my car...
I really don't know.

The thing was... sitting in the waiting room... a feeling of foreboding came over me and I was fighting back tears... I knew they were going to give me bad news.. I knew the fluid dripping from my car was not something simple... a loosened clasp... a hose gone bad...

actually the drip was something like that.. but repairing it they found something else...
of course I am going to get a second opinion. I have a friend (more than one friend actually - but this one's a mechanic) and I question whether I am the one getting slaughtered or whether my car is killing me.

I don't want to leave the house today
but I have much to do.
bleh...

someone needs to give me a kick in the butt...

I left my bathing suit at the pool tonight. Not in the pool... At the pool, in the showers to be exact. Now I am bitter... I hope it is there in the morning. I wasn't planning on going to aquafit in the morning (even though I can thanks to my stupid ass schedule - but I will now as long as my suit is there).

I have enough money to pay my immediate bills but not pay off my debt. I cannot go on a real vacation. I cannot free myself from the binds that I find myself in. I cannot get away from the smoke I am inhaling. I would like to be free of all that holds me captive.

I am being terribly selfish now. I need to figure out how to look after me... and I can't look after everyone else's needs if I have to be there for everyone else.

I really want a cheeseburger.
I miss my friends.
My cat is psychotic.
I want it to be January now.
I hate Christmas.
This is a very hard season... and the depression is setting in pretty deeply.

I see them everyday.
I see what they have become.
The shakiness, the drooling, the uncontrollable smells.
The lack of personal hygiene and the seeming disregard of such.

I see it and I think
I don't want to grow old.
I don't want to be one of the walking dead... or waiting to die.

I don't want to die now...
I just don't want to be one of them either.

I remember when Grandmere was in the hospital.
She hated what had become of her and longed for her youthful days.
She begged me never to get old.
I didn't understand then.
But now... one year later I do.
I really do.
As I watched a woman drool over her purse today, while looking for her wallet.
She didn't know she was doing it.

I was disgusted and felt bad for her at the same time.
I made me think... and I would like to not get old...

Anyone know the way to Neverland?

Every one has secrets locked within their heads. Things they don't want anyone else to know. Things they don't share with anyone, even their best friends.
There comes a time in everyone's life where they either go crazy from keeping it all locked in or find a way of releasing or safely venting that is productive.

I thought I had that. It was my journaling.
But something has changed. The thoughts that I used to share are no longer the secrets and dreams of my anonymous self. Too many see this that know who I am... These thoughts are no longer my own.

The blogger block that so many encounter must come from the inability to release all that they want knowing that they can do so without fear of those they know finding their secrets.

Part of me remembers being 12 and hiding my diary under my mattress or under my dresser so my brother wouldn't find it... These blogs are almost the same now... Too many know... and the secrets and feelings I want to release are locked within me again... Because even my journal at home... My hand written one, I fear is no longer safe.

But these are my thoughts and my fears... I have many... and they are ... mine to get over.
Besides... I have nothing to write about at this point anyway.