Tales From the Dark Side

I haven’t written anything of substance in years. I mean everything happens in my head but as soon as I try to write it down, or type it out the words disappear, the thoughts become a jumbled mess or they disappear entirely. I guess that’s what happens when depression takes over the synapses of your brain. Or maybe it’s all the damn drugs.
It’s disappointing really. I want to write and I want to express myself, the words are lost to me. It’s one of the things that I despise most about my condition. I miss my freedom. The freedom to be and do everything that I always wanted to be. It seems that it’s all gone, or at least hidden in the deep dark recesses of my walled-up psyche. I want it back. I want to be free to express everything that I am feeling, doing, or wanting. I want the freedom to write about he and she without the words disappearing. I feel that he and she are trapped in my head with no means of escape and if only I can get them out I will be released from the prison in which I find myself.
Don’t assume that I am a prisoner. I have all the freedoms that are allotted to me. In some ways I am a prisoner. A prisoner of my mind, the anxiety and the depression. My prison is a self-imposed one, although it is involuntary. I am trapped by the insecurities that come from this disability, they plague me: weekly, daily, hourly and minutely.

It is freedom I seek. Freedom from the person I have become. I want to be the person that I am meant to be.

I know I have a tendency to exaggerate, but this is ridiculous.
I mean really!

I have a bladder infection of the worst kind. The doctor gave me the biggest effing pills ever... the ones we classify as horse pills. The first time I took one I almost choked. Freakin huge.
And I have a clod too... damn nieces, bringing home germs and sharing them... Basically I feel like crap.

Leaving my brothers house I scraped my knuckles on my right hand carrying my stuff down the stairs...

Today when I decided to make myself a nice dinner I managed to slice the knuckles on my left hand. That cut won't stop bleeding, and it stings like a son-of-a-@#$@#.

Now I have a wicked headache.

Ah whatever...
Tomorrow can only get better... RIGHT!

Well
I survived Christmas with the family.
My Dad called and said he wants to come visit with his girlfriend.
And I am still in a negative mood.
I don't know why I can't beat this.
Or why it isn't getting better.
I could ignore everyone all the time.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to see anyone.
And I don't feel like writing.
It's nice and quiet here.

There's only so much that I can take.
The excitement and business of a family and a family is my own is too much. I spent most of yesterday having an anxiety attack of sorts. I couldn't stand to be around anyone and I needed some alone time. Sleep doesn't count as alone time.
Christmas day is a bad day to need to "avoid" everyone. It's a little embarrassing, and it's hard to deal with today.
Today I want to hide as well. I need some space. I need quiet. It's hard to explain.
But it will be OK eventually.
I figure that's why I have drugs! The prescription kind.

2 more days and I'll go home

And I just don't think I am done.
Tomorrow is the last day - unless the coating on my tongue hasn't gone away, or the flushes aren't "clear". I am absolutely annoyed with this... Yet, knowing that the benefits outweigh my annoyance.

I could make a list of the foods I want to eat - but it just seems wrong.
Yesterday I went out and restocked my cupboards... All those non-perishable foods that I haven't picked up in ages.
I admit I picked up some "junk" food, but it's put away where I might forget about it in the next week or so.

The veggie soup is exactly what I want... I couldn't pick those up yet though. I have no idea when I get my soup. Maybe Tuesday... Maybe later in the week.

My mood isn't any better. The depression is strong and at the forefront. I write everyday. I worry everyday. I cry everyday. Yet I keep on going... I refuse to give up (even though I really want to). Everyday is a different and new day... I think that's why I don't want to do the cleanse anymore - it is the same thing day in day out.

I have been doing this cleanse all along knowing that I would be on it for 10 days. Then this morning, I had the most horrible thought: What if I am not "finished" with cleansing on Sunday? How many more days am I really going to have to do?
It is a scary situation for me. As much as I am glad I am on this "cleanse" and am proud of myself for sticking it out his long... I am ready for the consumption of something else. Frankly, it isn't enjoyable anymore. My body is achy... I know that is an expected effect of the cleanse - but I just don't like it. It isn't as bad as having the flu but it still sucks. I was lucky enough to get a massage from a friend last night... The effects were short lived though.

Please let this cleanse be finished by Monday... Sunday is the "last" day... I just hope that it really is finished. The book is so detailed on what to look for and what would happen, and so far it has been right. I would like the "you're done" signs to start showing themselves. Cause - I am done... Unfortunately, my body isn't.

I have to admit, although I can see the effects of this cleanse now, I really want it to be over.
I am tired and bored of the lemonade drink.
I want vegetables... I have plans to make a veggie soup with carrots, celery, bok choy, broccoli, onions and whatever else I can think of to put in there.
I just want the veggies... and it's going to be a few days after I finish the cleanse before I can have "real" food...

I am sticking it out though... as soon as the coating on my tongue is gone I will be done.. right now it just seems like I haven't brushed my tongue in ... well, ever! But I always brush it, adn I brush now at least 3 or 4 times a day... I hate it... so until that is gone I have to keep doing it.

Please let it be done soon!

There's a funny side effect to coming off medication that you have been on for ... well... ages. It is something like having every nerve exposed and every feeling multiplied by 4. Nothing is numb. NOTHING!

Even though I am in a pretty good mood (I have my momnets of coursem but generally I am in a pretty good mood) I find that I have NO PATIENCE! NO patience for anyone with negative thoughts, no patience for the movie to start, no patience for the bird (OK ~ that one isn't new).

I mean, everytime I talk to someone I feel like I am being suffocated, and I don't want to deal with anyone unless it is a funny conversation. The dark and negativity that surrounds others in my own life is too much for me to handle, let alone those of others.
I am trying to maintain a positive attitude. I am doing something that is making me feel better, but I refuse to deal with anyone or their crap.
It sounds selfish - and it probably is - but I have enough going on in my head without dealing with anyone elses insecurities or trivialities.
No.. I am not mad at anyone, I am just annoyed with the emotions that come from being a "friend"... especially an unmedicated friend.
I guess it's harder than I thought.

On the positive... just over a week then I am on the medications again! Yeah.. medicated normalcy... I never thought I would want it, but I do.