Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Who Am I??
I came to the realization last night that I ahve no idea who I am... I don't know what I want out of life. I have no purpose, no drive, no dreams. I said to Phynix that I haven't been happy in my whole life. I have just merely existed and done what needs to be done... until I met R.
My realization is that he begged me to let him in, he asked me to move in, he wanted me to be a part of his family. And then I had a purpose, I had someone (more than one) to look after, something to full my days, some goals to achieve on a daily basis.
And now its gone... looking after myself doens't mean anything because I am no one. I don't matter.
I am the most boring person in the world. I live only to survive. I watch tv and read. I play games on my ipad and have no friends.
I always wanted a house full of people. People to look after and friends to entertain. People stopping in, the kids and their friends hanging out, me feeding an army every day... that seems like a pipe dream now. I have no one that is close by for that to happen...
I have always been an outsider, a loner, and an after-thought. Even my own family doesn't talk to me.
The people who have included me in their lives have done so, i thought, because they cared. They were making a choice to include me in their lives. And I remember telling them on multiple occasions that I was grateful for their friendship and their acceptance.
I have spent the better part of my adult life fighting illness. The bipolar that was diagnosed in 2002... 2 years after Becca died. That was a 10 year battle for my sanity, fought on my own. Then the migraine that won't fucking go away. I don't know what I would have done without R there to support me emotionally... he made me strong, he gave me a readon't o be strone, he gave me permission to be weak with the pain.
And who am I now...
A lonely sad girl, living in a house I can't afford, worried about money and work. Needing a second job.
I miss the family I don't know, the family I don't have. And missing the first and only man who i every willingly gave my heart to.
Dragonfly 5/26/2015 01:39:00 PM
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Monday, May 25, 2015
Waiting to see if I exist?
I never thought I would ever write that... let alone think it.
I know that I exist, I am an entity unto myself.
HOWEVER, my question is more do I exist to him.
Todday is the day he gets back from his camping trip. So... will he remember me and call/text? Will he come see me? Or will he choose to ignore me. I am currently in limbo, and my relationship is on the line.
but i guess i already knew that.
And my heart is breaking.
My resentment grows.
And I question everything as I lose more and more "friends".
Dragonfly 5/25/2015 08:27:00 PM
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Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wishes and Dreams
I know that you are hurting, I wish there was something more I could do.
I am sorry that I keep putting my foot in my mouth when it comes to you.
I wish it didn't have to be this way, I wish we could be a happy family.
You are the most amazing thing to happen to me since the birth of my children, I want to grow old with you.
I want to make this right, but I don't know how.
I know all of this is my fault, I could have set it right sooner, I'm sorry.
I miss you.
I love you.
I know there's more but these are the things on the top of my head that I want to hear from him. He's away camping right now with his brothers and nephews, and the kids... so my yearning is just that, a yearning.
I aalso have had a few fantasies/scenarios run through my brain... because it is working overtime.
The one where he shows up at my door with the kids, B apologizes and they ask me to move back with them. Upon telling the stories of their trip B's uncles and cousins have given him a hard time about being ungrateful and a bully, and set him straight. R has professed his love for me to the kids and they have mutually agreed to have me in their lives.
Theres also the one where B is having one of his classic temper tantrums, and goes after R... R fights back, and one or both of them falls, one gets hurt (sometimes its R, sometimes its B). they have to rush to the hospital and A calls me sobbing because someone is hurt (or B has hemoeraged and slipped into an irreversable coma). I have to rush up north to be there. And all returns to normal.
In the one wehre R gets hurt, R's brother defends him, and B gets charged with asault. When I get to the hospital I talk the police into putting B into the psych ward ona 72 hour hold... and he ends up getting the help he needs after an extended court-ordered stay.
What it comes down to is: I am full of sadness, loneliness and resentment. I feel like I am owed an apology, and I NEED him to talk to me. I need him to tell me what he really thinks, what he truly feels, and i need reassurance that this is just temporary, and he hates it as much as I do.
Or he couldl man up and tell me he is done.
But i know I will get nothing as long as he is away.
So I sit and wait.
Sad, lonely and brooding.
Dragonfly 5/21/2015 10:09:00 AM
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Monday, May 18, 2015
Invisible Monster
I really do feel like I am invisible. I know right now R is away with his kids camping - and wont be back until the 25th... so I have another week of being alone without contact. And it is painful. I am hurting in a way I can't truly describe.
He is away camping, and every year he goes on this trip, and every year I have sat at home, worked and waited for him to come home. His coming home means that I had his touch again, his hugs, his strength and his love. Noww when he comes home I have the "pleasure" of a text, maybe a phone call. And the knowledge that I am still going to bed alone every night. That I get to still be alone.
I don't want to be alone and miserable.
I guess if I wasn't miserable I wouldn't mind being alone.
It is all feelings, purely emotional.
Andd it all stems from my feeling abandoned; dumped in the corner and left to fend for myself.
I got a sense of accomplishment looking after them, knowing I had a role to play in their lives.
I was given a family, asked to be a part of it, and now its been taken away.
I always do best as a caregiver.
Now I have cats that are shedding horribly... really - what the hell how are they not bald!
And the only person I have to look after is myself, and its unfulfilling.
And I am alone.
Dragonfly 5/18/2015 10:55:00 AM
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Monday, May 11, 2015
When Will This Not Suck
So... fancy that. This sucks.
First off I should be sleeping as I have a grave shift tonight and need to sleep. BUT of course, my mind is racing and I can't turn it off without resorting to medication. So, hurray to me for taking the writing road instead of the easy road.
That being sad... what the fuck!!
Its been 12 days since I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him, 12 days since I felt calm, 12 days since I felt like a person in a relationship that mattered.
Now I just don't feel lke I matter. I am still being ignored. I amm still an after thought. I am still devastated. and I am alone. The cats are great company... sometimes. But really I am just lonely.
I am even finding that I am not talking to my so-called friends.
J is always unavailable. Doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all. I admit that I am a complete downer... but I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE.
I just miss people. I have no idea how to act or talk about anything because all anyone wants to talk about is me... and I am not that interesting.
L hasn't spoken to me since I told her to stop telling me to break up with him and find someone else.
The person I need to find is me.
And Ly, is a beautiful soul, but... you know what, I have no idea. I feel like she is done. I just don't know what to do. And I am tired of coming to her, she needs to come to me. Luckily she is predictable, so I know whetre to find her.
Its a horrible feeling being lonely. Its horrible being alone.
R asked me what doesn't suck, and I still haven't come up with much.
I am the only one who dirties anything, but I am the only one who cleans anything either... well, the cats kick litter all over the place and there is cat toys all over the floor.
I don't have to worry about food not being there when I go to get it, but I also don't have the space to have a wide selection of stuff.
I am very addicted to junk right now, and feel like crap.
I am worried about people seeing me in NIagara Falls when they know I "live" in St. Catharines. SO I don't want to go anywhere.
Really everything that doesn't suck has a rebutal.
I am very embarrassed about this whole situation. I failed at parenting that boy, and I failed at keeping a relationship. I have failed at being healthy, and I have failed at love. I gave my heart to someone who begged for it, who asked, and who made promises, and now I am alone, abandoned, and broken... hoping he will remember I exist. In the meantime I am over-eating, and living a lie.
I am tired. But not getting restful, restorative slumber.
Dragonfly 5/11/2015 05:51:00 PM
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Sunday, May 03, 2015
I am not OK
So, Thursday was the big, official move. My first night and day in the house by myself. R left around 2pm after he did a couple of jobs for me. He kissed me, said he loved me and was out the door.
I did some organizing... checked in on my poor Dagger who was terrified and hiding under the bed. Asia was just exploring.
Its been a difficult adjustment, but they have come out of their shells quicker than I thought. Dags has been playing and enjoying going outside now. Asia is cuddly and nosy as ever... she has also developed the wonderful ability to get out of her harness, sort of. needless to say they need to be supervised.
and then there's me. i'm barely sleeping, emotional and so very unhappy. The feelings of abandonment havent changed, I get texts from him and that's all. Hee says I need to rest, asks if I am sleeping. And he asked me out for dinner tomorrow night... during the 2 hour window that A is at cheer practice. 2 hours. That's all I get.
I don't even know what I am going to do or say.
I am a wreck, I am too emotional to deal with this.
I almost quit my job last night because I feel like I am being ignored /bullied by fellow associates.
My head is bothering me, I am exhausted and I am unwanted.
And I am eating like crap, therefore feeling like crap.
I have decided that tomorrow I start eating better... no more junk, no chocolate or doritos. I have candy here, but usually I am good with only eating a couple of pieces at a time. I need to take care of myself. I want to take care of myself, I am worth being healthy. Besides... if I end up being alone, then I better be prepared to find someone else.
But I am not ok.
This is not ok.
I never thought I would be unhappy in my own house.
Yet... I am.
Dragonfly 5/03/2015 05:21:00 PM
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