Tales From the Dark Side

I aam not ok.

But I am better than I was.

The  crying is better, I still get sad, teary, but its isn't that I am crying as much.

But I have come to some realizations. I still don't get asked how my day has been, I am still largely ignored. So I have changed my approach, I don't text constantly and expect him to respond. I ask him how his day is, wish him a wnderful day. And I don't expect responses. I don't ask when I will see him, I wait for him to ask me... except when I am horny.. so I asked him to come see me. After a wonderfully fulfilling sex session I asked if we should come up with a code for sex.. and he said no code, just ask for sex... hahaha... I don't know why its so funny to me, but it is. 

So, I wait for him to ask e questions, ask to see me, ask me to dinner... and I have calmed down. Because I have stopped expecting him to talk to me.

I worry about money, I worry about hours, and I worry about the house falling apart around me. Andd I have decided that I need to stop worrying.

I see a lawyer on Thursday. For an interim separation agreement. I need to be able to change my address, i guess it needs to be official. But mostly I am protecting myself. I need to make sure that my medical needs are covered. Otherwise I truly am in trouble.

This isn't ideal. It  isn't a relationship that fulfills all of my needs, not all of his needs are being met either. He believes he is doing the right thing by focusing on his children, but I see him not asking questions, not providing guidance. He seems to be drifting hoping that everything will smooth itself out.  

I am not ok. I llive alone, and in a protective shell, isolated from my friends and "family". Where I don't get asked how I am anymore... by anyone.

I sent him a text thanking him for soming to see me, saying that I miss him and love him very much. its been 36 hours and no response. Nothing.

I only hear from friends and family if I call or text them first.

I have no life, I sit here and watch tv, check out the crap that facebook chooses to show me, and cry. 

I am exhausted, and the dreams I have are disturbing. 

I go to bed wishing for him, and I wake up missing him.

And I am in pain, its been raining for 2 days, and my head fucking hurts.

Here's what I feel...

I am a burden to eeveryone in my life.

I am desperate, pathetic and utterly forgetable.

I am not deserving of friends, or R. 

I am alone.

I have no purpose, no drive, nothing to share.

I don't deserve friendship, or love... i just fuck it up anyway.

I am a bull in a china shop... even when I try my hardest I just wreck everything... bewware my destruction... it is best to just stay the fuck out of my way...

At least my cats love me... or at least pretend they do for food.

I know that my desperation is driving him away.

He came over yesterday, I sent him a text asking that if he wasn't in a rush home that he could come visit, and I was shocked and surprised when he pulled into the driveway. I honestly wasn't expecting him to come over, and when I saw him my heart jumped for joy. I fought the urge to jump up and run to him, I kept my emotions in check. He said hi, hugged me, said hi to the cat and  walked into the house... so I followed. I offered him my leftovers from dinner, he ate, I got hugs and my ass grabbed. And we talked, well, I talked, he listened and laughed. I babble so much when I am nervous.  I told him about the lawyer, and getting a non-separation agreement, and that I need to notify the work regarding the living arangements. He didn't say anything. I asked about the car insurance, if he was still going to pay it, he shrugged. I asked what that meant and he said "do you want me to keep paying it?" I told him that I "needed" him to pay it, if he doesn't I can't afford the car.

I now have an appointment with a lawyer on Thurday of next week...

I am getting an interim separation agreement. I need to change addressed on things, to stop living as if everything is ok.

I also need to stop being so desparate, so lost in my love that I am not seeing the big picture.

I don't want to see that: he doesn't answer texts, he doesn't say he loves me, he doesn't initiate conversations, he doesn't ask to see me, he isn't forthcoming with information.  He doesn't say he loves me... I get x's and o's. 

But my heart says he's mine, he's hurting. I want to make it better. I want to be with him, I want him in my life. I  don't know what to do, I don't know what the future holds. I have no fucking idea what is goin on in his head, or in his life. He won't tell me how he feels. I truly am alone, and I feel, I am afraid, I am alone in that love.

I am so tired of having the same conversations to him, and the boy, inside my head. The story only changes slightly when I manage to get the snippits of info out of R that I get.  I am exhausted, and lonely, angry and devastated, depressed and rejected all at once... that that is how the dialogue goes... My trying to make sense of this with all of the assumptions that I am making to be his (their) responses.

Its enough to drive me insane.

And I know that I am pushing... and not pushing hard enough.

Am  I holding on because I truly love him, or am I holding on out of fear?

Regardless I am afraid, and I don't know how to be, act, or survive.  

I live in my head, and I live there alone, screaming, crying, begging for him to talk to me, to provide insight, and help me see reason...

he hasn't started answering me there...

yett.

You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before I sleep. I reach for you at night and find you in my dreams. You are always in my thoughts, never far away.

I have given you my heart, a choice I made at your request. I let you in, and i can't imagine you not being a part of my life. I admit we haven't had the best couple of years but everyday I was grateful for you, for your hugs, your amazing kisses, your touch and your smile. Myy heart flipped every time you walked int the room... even when I was stark-raving mad at you all I wanted was for you to take me in  your arms. You made everyday bearable, you made the pain worthwhile. You made it easy for me to smile. Being with you has been the best part of my existance. Thank you for allowing me the privilige of being in your life. I would do anything for you. Taking care of you is easy, I love cooking your dinner and cleaning your house - trying to make it easier for you was the way i showed you my love.

I know I am not an easy person, I try everyday to let my worries go, to be as relaxed and laid back as you. It was easy for a while, you made it easy. 

All of this, this separation, this pain, this hurt, it is almost too much to bear. I noticed that you stopped asking how I am a while ago, I don't know if its because I am an open book - or you assume you know how I am, or how my day has been. Now that I am not sharing your bed, or staying in your house you have become even more distant. It hurts even more. I remember you saying you have never broken up with someone, but then I wonder if you just pulled away from those girls emotinally until they gave up and ended it... and I question, is that what you are doing with me? If so, you need to man up. If not, you need to choose to let me in - not to your house, but into your head. Commmunication is the cornerstone to every good relationship. If you don't see a future with me then so be it, right now the scenarios that run through my head regarding my future all include you.

I am choosing not to give up on us.

Because right now... you mean everything to me.