Tales From the Dark Side

I poured my heart and soul onto the blank pages I brought with me to work.
The tears leaked continually from my eyes for most of the morning. At one point they finally stopped.
But they've started again now.

It is incredible the release writing can give. The natural stress reliever it becomes. Eventually though, that stress will come back. The problem is I could not find a solution, as there is no easy solution to be found.
The problem just won't up and walk away.
There is no knight in shining armour about to kiss me and wake me from the nightmare I have concieved.
My reality is... reality.

The problem lies within my consciousness.
I want to believe that the fantasy life I create will exist. That the dreams I conjure will, infact, become reality and that everything that is true, in my actual existance will become utopia.

Yet, my problems still exist.

No.
It is not a good day.
I am going to bed.
It is better there.

I should have stayed in bed.

I awoke at 5am and realized I forgot to take my medication before going to sleep last night. So I took it at 5. Went back to sleep. Had nightmares. The alarm went off. I almost cried.

I should have stayed in bed and called in sick.

Horrible headache.
The trooper I am, I went in.
I asked to go home early.

I had to stay my full 8 hours.
It was horrible.

Then I had car trouble on the way home.
NO Transmission Fluid is very bad for the car...
Make car no go, bad.
So unhappy is Dragonfly.

Too tired to be Evil I think.
Must sleep.

I did get ATF fluid into the vehicle (the right kind boys, don't worry! I called a mechanic and he helped me get the right one, then I called a cab to get me there and back. I am going to go let the car run for a bit to get the fluid into the transmission some more as it is not running smoothly yet.)

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
So much to do.
I would really like to sleep all day.
But I can't.
And I won't.

I must search out my theme song (thanks Paige) as I have never heard it and I don't remember the music from Batman...

I like quests.
And sleep.
I babble.
I will go.
For now.

I am Dragonfly.
Why hide behind an on-line pseudonym?
It really doesn't mean anything.
I have never been partial to them.
I don't collect them.
In fact Firefly gave me the name, plus the only 2 dragonflies I own. I cherish them both (even if one is supposed to be in the car and hasn't exactly made it there yet.)

But a name does not change who I am.
It doesn't change my desire to be married (just to not have a wedding.)
It doesn't make me crazy or sane.
It doesn't make me an evil person.

Being Dragonfly gives ME a sense of Privacy.
Of... Anonymity... in this world full of crazy, stalker, hacker type people.

I started out my day with a deep thought.
Then I got to work, and was sent to a carousel... BORING, BORING, BORING!!!

Apparently - the deep, dark thoughts are all consuming today, as whatever I start writing turns into dark stories about my past. History from a life I left behind.

It isn't that I don't want to share them.
They don't mean anything.
I have accepted this history, learned the lessons meant to be learned (learnt) and moved on with my life. Is there something I have forgotten?
Is there a step that I have missed?
Do I need to look at them again?
After 20 years, do I really need to remember every detail of my life and filter through the good and bad, re-accept the past and accept history for what it is...
I already did that.

OR...
do I need to up my medication?

When I started high school, my friends started calling me D. A nickname, a shortform of my given name. I loved it. I had no problems with my given name I just found it very formal and as my whole family called my by my given name (and I wasn't fond of them) I was more than happy to be acknowledged by a shorter, happier, more carefree name.

I even started using it as my computer logon.

At parent/teacher night, my father showed up. This was a huge surprise as the man rarely took an interest in anything I did (as long as the house was clean, my grades were good and I didn't miss curfew, I was pretty much on my own). He wanted to see what we were doing in computers and when he watched my log on, had a melt-down in the car on the way home.

"Do you know what your name is?"
"I gave you that name because that is what I want you to be called, not a shortform, not a nickname, but your given name."

Thinking about it now. My father was given 3 names. And goes by a shortened version of the 3rd one. I wish I had the courage to call him on that one when I was 14.
So when my friends called the house they used my full name. It became a joke.
At the age of 30 my Dad finally started calling my D.
My brother doesn't. He's the only one.
I think he does it out of spite. He's a pest.


Does our name really make us who we are?
Does the creation of our on-line name, hide our real-life personalities?
Where did we come up with our names? (I was given mine!)

This is my deep thought for the day.
I hope it doesn't plague my while at work.

I am a horrible person.
But I know I am not.
I took my poor innocent (ya right) little cat to the vets this morning and asked then to render her infertile.
No kittens for Shadow.

But she was shaking like a leaf.
Scared and nervous as I left her there.

Now I have to sleep alone tonight.
That sucks.

I even took tomorrow off work so I can be with her.

All this for a cat.

Could you imagine what I would be like if I had kids... ohmygod!

Nothing happened at work...
Stupid Carousel.
I didn't have anything to write about either.

GGGrrrr....

This past week has seen the passing of a dear friend. Sadly VegasGustan has made the decision not to continue with his own blog, leaving many wondering at the price we pay for time spent on-line. (Really? Hasn't it crossed the nether regions of anyone else's brain? Liars)

I started blogging as a means to keep in touch with a friend. We both worked shift work and had "interesting" home lives. Both of us are avid writers and lived a distince from each other. Blogging (it actually started as a LJ) worked well for us.

Along the way, I have managed to pick up a couple of new "friends". Vegas was my first. He helped me to see I wasn't alone and opened me up to the wide world of blogging. After meeting him, I started reading and randomly commenting on more blogs, more often.
I have found many abandoned blogs of yesteryear. I have also made some friends, found people I check in on periodically as well. Some of signed off, some are going strong.
There are many I never comment on. Why is that? you just don't know what to say.

So I challenge everyone who stops in here at Chaotic Dischord...

Just say hi!

I know I've been quiet lately. (Thanks for coming back and checking on me.)
We're all busy, the weather outside is beautiful so who can blame us for going out and enjoying it.
But blogging weather will return soon enough (unfortunately), and then we will need eachother's company more often and once again!