Sunday, January 27, 2008
Chaotic Dischord
There's something to be said for friendship.
My friends care,and some take the time to understand what I am going through.
Today it really hit home the differences in personalities between myself and my friends. One will give all of herself to ensure someone else's happiness, often to the detriment of herself.
The other believes that negative actions mean negative repercussions. If someone hurts or harms or upsets you them according to her you should "stand up" for yourself and make a scene.
In my family making a scene, telling people how you feel or how you have been hurt does not accomplish anything except cause rifts between those members. And as far as I am concerned I am not upset with my family - just disappointed. And nothing they can do or say will ever change that. I may forgive them in time, but for now, it is unimportant.
I have a medical disorder, and as such I should be able to rely on my family in times of need. Yet over the last 34 years my family has never been there for one another, so why would they start now, especially when I need help the most.
George left today. The adoption people came to get him and look him away, they will find him a new home. A better home. A home where he won't be threatened by my moods, I know he is better off. I will miss him. I have faith that I have done the right thing.
Labels: bi-polar, family, friendship
Dragonfly 1/27/2008 11:25:00 PM
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Friday, January 25, 2008
It's Official.
I am a horrible person.
NO, that's not right, I am a completely selfish person who will do things only for my own benefit and knowingly hurt others.
George is leaving tomorrow, I am putting him up for adoption. They are coming to get him and remove him from my unrelenting mood swings forever.
My Mother was going to take him for a couple of weeks, but this morning my Aunt (who owns the house) was really upset and got angry with mom. They say that they would have been OK with it if I had asked them, but Mom argued that I was already visibly upset and crying and that my aunt could ave spoken up.
I have decided that the best thing I can do as no matter what I will aways be bipolar and will always have volatile moods, is to give him up for adoption. For now I am keeping the cat, we'll see how that goes, but she keeps relatively quiet and brings me joy.
I am so disappointed in my family for not understanding and helping me. I have been asking for help with him for years.
I think this is one of my darkest days.
What if my keeping him is what was keeping me alive? Because I was the only one who would look after him.
I know I will get through this, but it is going to be one hell of a sad week.
What if I have acted prematurely???
NO, that's not right, I am a completely selfish person who will do things only for my own benefit and knowingly hurt others.
George is leaving tomorrow, I am putting him up for adoption. They are coming to get him and remove him from my unrelenting mood swings forever.
My Mother was going to take him for a couple of weeks, but this morning my Aunt (who owns the house) was really upset and got angry with mom. They say that they would have been OK with it if I had asked them, but Mom argued that I was already visibly upset and crying and that my aunt could ave spoken up.
I have decided that the best thing I can do as no matter what I will aways be bipolar and will always have volatile moods, is to give him up for adoption. For now I am keeping the cat, we'll see how that goes, but she keeps relatively quiet and brings me joy.
I am so disappointed in my family for not understanding and helping me. I have been asking for help with him for years.
I think this is one of my darkest days.
What if my keeping him is what was keeping me alive? Because I was the only one who would look after him.
I know I will get through this, but it is going to be one hell of a sad week.
What if I have acted prematurely???
Dragonfly 1/25/2008 11:59:00 PM
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Sunday, January 20, 2008
Becca's 34th Birthday!
Today is the worst day I have had in the 7 years since she died.
HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.
I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.
I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the anti-depressants for so long I haven't felt the depth of this until now. That 3 week period without those medications happens to fall on her 34th birthday.
and that means in 3 weeks it will be my 34th birthday and it just doesn't seem fair. it's not fair to her, to Robyn, to Kent, to the whole family.
And she was suck an inspiration never blaming God for any of the tests he put her through. She saw life as a gift, everyday, she saw hr daughter as the angel she is. She gave me strength, when I thought I had none. I remember being so inspired by her and when she was in her worst pain she was still optimistic and full of life.
I have yet to find someone who even comes close to that level of specialness, that air of humility, that positive light.
I keep crying, those tears that keep coming and the the pain grows. I am at a total loss as to how to calm down, should I take an anti anxiety pill or 2, should I call and have myself admitted to the psych ward. I just want it to all stop. For now. I need to stop crying. I want to stop the pain. I just want to remember how great a friend she was and the silly plans we made for the rest of our lives. Now I have no one to do that with. and everything has changed for me.
I just wanted to grow old with her, like we planned.
HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.
I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.
I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the anti-depressants for so long I haven't felt the depth of this until now. That 3 week period without those medications happens to fall on her 34th birthday.
and that means in 3 weeks it will be my 34th birthday and it just doesn't seem fair. it's not fair to her, to Robyn, to Kent, to the whole family.
And she was suck an inspiration never blaming God for any of the tests he put her through. She saw life as a gift, everyday, she saw hr daughter as the angel she is. She gave me strength, when I thought I had none. I remember being so inspired by her and when she was in her worst pain she was still optimistic and full of life.
I have yet to find someone who even comes close to that level of specialness, that air of humility, that positive light.
I keep crying, those tears that keep coming and the the pain grows. I am at a total loss as to how to calm down, should I take an anti anxiety pill or 2, should I call and have myself admitted to the psych ward. I just want it to all stop. For now. I need to stop crying. I want to stop the pain. I just want to remember how great a friend she was and the silly plans we made for the rest of our lives. Now I have no one to do that with. and everything has changed for me.
I just wanted to grow old with her, like we planned.
Labels: Bec, medication., mood, sorrow
Dragonfly 1/20/2008 06:53:00 PM
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Thursday, January 03, 2008
Happy New Year?
I find it interesting that I haen't been writing. It's supposed to be therapy for me. But as it turns out I have absolutey nothing to say. The things that I wonder about are the same things I have questioned for years. The obvious "Will I ever get my weight under control?" "Is there a medication out there that will stabalize me, and how long till we find it?" "what am I going to do if I Can't return to work?"
But these things are almost out of my control. I have a basic plan if I get offered the buyout at work... a medical office assistant and then a job wherever... I think I will even move to Windsor to be around my family. My weight I have some control over, and I am watching what I put in my body... at least since Christmas, but even then I didn't eat badly at all. Pretty good for me! And the medication question... I know there is something, but there's only so many things I can take at once, so... the try and try again game continues! Next up Wellbutrin! hurray? I guess.
So what have I been doing?
Napping, spending money I don't have (stupid Christmas), napping, playing with the cat, napping, being annoyed by the bird, and did I mention napping. I think I've read a few books too, that's why there's so much napping. Being on leave is getting really really boring. Going to group (every Thursday) is just as aggravating too. Yes - the techniques are interesting. Yes - I have learned more about the disorder itself. Yet having them tell me that the way to ward off boredom is too go to the library, or the gym, or skating, or a walk. I know I can do all those things... but I don't want o do them alone. I long for human intellectual interaction. My friends have nothing to say to me anymore, I have no interesting stories. None... it's a very boring existence.
Very boring indeed.
But these things are almost out of my control. I have a basic plan if I get offered the buyout at work... a medical office assistant and then a job wherever... I think I will even move to Windsor to be around my family. My weight I have some control over, and I am watching what I put in my body... at least since Christmas, but even then I didn't eat badly at all. Pretty good for me! And the medication question... I know there is something, but there's only so many things I can take at once, so... the try and try again game continues! Next up Wellbutrin! hurray? I guess.
So what have I been doing?
Napping, spending money I don't have (stupid Christmas), napping, playing with the cat, napping, being annoyed by the bird, and did I mention napping. I think I've read a few books too, that's why there's so much napping. Being on leave is getting really really boring. Going to group (every Thursday) is just as aggravating too. Yes - the techniques are interesting. Yes - I have learned more about the disorder itself. Yet having them tell me that the way to ward off boredom is too go to the library, or the gym, or skating, or a walk. I know I can do all those things... but I don't want o do them alone. I long for human intellectual interaction. My friends have nothing to say to me anymore, I have no interesting stories. None... it's a very boring existence.
Very boring indeed.
Dragonfly 1/03/2008 07:02:00 PM
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