Tales From the Dark Side

Ok... that may be an exaggeration... I have most definitley been through worse, but the realization that it has been 3 motnths is heartbreaking... all over again.

In 3 months I have managed to survive without him... seeeing him only a handful of times, he has broken my heart over and over again...

and  he has broken promises... one in particular.

The biggest problem with a broken promise is that you question every other promise that has been made...

Has he cancelled the costco card too?

Is he really going to pay my car insurance? What happens if he doesn't?

Will he help me?

He said he would, and now he has ended all contact, saying I betrayed his trust by going to the lawyer... what else did I do to end this??

And why do I feel so alone? Abandoned?

3 months... its official. 

And I'm still heartbroken.

I realized if I ever ran into her (it is possible we live in the same city now), I would have to say the truth - because I promised never to lie to her...

and the truth is...

Everything is messed up. 

I love R very very much, and things have gotten out of hand - so much so that I don't recognize my life anymore.

I am deeply unhappy to be apart from him, and I wish things had gone differently.

If there is meant to be a future for us, it will happen, but right now this is the path our lives have gone.

I love him... and need him to be happy, I need him to heal, and I need him to take care of his children.

I'm sorry that I let him down, it wasn't intentional, it was by no means a deliberate betrayal, I was only doing what he suggested, what he said in regards to his family.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Whatever twilight zone train I am on... i really want to get off.

He will never be honest about it.

I think i want to have my story vindicated... i need to know if my feelings were justified, that the dischord and unrest I have been feeling for months... for years... I want to know if he wanted me out and didn't say anything. I want to know the extent of his betrayal.

Maybe B was the only one capable of being honest (some of the time)- his screaming profanities and saying everyone hates me may be the only truth that I recieve from that family.

I mourn the loss of my family, the end of my dream, and the future I believed to be secure.

And that grief comes in waves, 100ft high every 10 seconds... and sometimes the storm lessens, the waves get smaller, further apart - but right now the storm is raging again. I want answers I will never get. It's like the man I knew is dead - incapable of answering anything - gone from this the earthly plane that I know, only to be remembered in the way I life I shared with him. 

I am only a small part in his past. He begged me to be with him, and refused to talk about anything once I had reached my end of my usefullness. 

So I sit here, day after day, dwelling on what was, and what could/should be... hooping I am wrong, that even now he loves me, wants me, misses me. That he will talk to me, share the truths that plague him, give me the peace that I crave, 

Crying.

Wave after wave of fear, sadness, and unrequited love. 

Crying.

And waiting for my love to return.

I also remember being confused, like I didn't know him at all... I would toil for hours - days, weeks even, about what to surprise him with for his birthday or Christmas... he is one of those guys that just buys it himself, he sees something and he buys it. 

I question, every day, if he truly wanted to be with me, and how long he wanted to tell me to get out. Everything I know if surrounded by those questions... well, he bought me this, did he love me then or was it just for show? He needed me when he had his surgery, did he love me then? I've had a migraine for 5 years, was he with me out of pity and obligation??

I know he will never answer those questions. He  came close once - he said he likes me, he loves me and he's attracted to me, but he's not in love with me. And yes, he was with me partly out of obligation. I will never get closer than that, no answers to the deeper questions. No rreal closer, no real knowledge.

Is it even worth it, why do i need to know the extent of his miss-love - is it so that I know that the malcontent in my heart wasn't just in my head - that it was an intuitive response to his emotions. I already know, by reading these scattered entry's and those in my beloved journal, that something was wrong... I have known for at least 2 years that there was trouble in paradise, I blamed myself - for the migraine, the depression, the not wanting sex, not wanting to go out or do anything, for not being interested in life... I blame the leave, the financial strain of not working, for the use of credit cards - even when the disability started coming in and the cards were paid off, I was worried about finances. And the work situation didn't help - wanting to work, but not being about to be a cashier anymore... I was worried all the time, I was walking on eggshells, I was quiet, adn reserved, I wasn't participating in anything... nothing was interesting anymore. Why would he be interested in me when I wasn't interested in life?

I need to keep reminding myself that this was all inevitable... I dreamed that it was forever, I was living in a dream world - and I was wrong when I believed that he felt the same way - because I don't ever remember him saying he would love me forever.

I made a choice - and I made it alone.

I know in my head that you are gone, you have chosen to walk away, you have made your decision... without saying a word, you have made your decision.

And my heart breaks.

Everyday... over and over again.

I have shed millions of tears. My pillow is stained from the tears shed while I have slept. The loneliness of your loss is devastating. I grow tired of the act of living like I am ok with your decision. Every person I have shared my heartache with has told me to let you go...

This  is too difficult. I have made a choice to love you, to let you in, to live my life with you and only you as my rock, my heart, and my future. Making that choice was so very difficult for me... and I have no idea how to let that go.  My stubborness is my burden. I can't let go. I don't want to.

I don't agree with how you are treating me... ignoring someone, leaving them hanging is complete, and total cowardice. I hope and pray that your daughter never experiences a "break-up" like this. It is unacceptable on so many levels, intentional neglect (whether you see it that way or not), that is what it is.

And I still want you.

I miss your smile, I long to see your face. I want, more than anything, for you to take me in your arms, shower me with kisses, tell me over and over that you love me, and beg for my forgiveness. I dream of you taking me to bed, making love all night, holding me in your arms for all eternity. 

Through all this pain, this heartache, the shame and embarrassment, the loneliness, fear and uncertainty... I still want you. 

I think this is the hardest part.

I need you to release me... if that is your choice.

I need to hear it from you.

Until then I am stuck, here in limbo... waiting for your approval, or your rejection. The words don't matter... I need to hear it.

I'm stuck. I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm abandoned by the one I love. I'm alone. I'm devasted.

My questions go unanswered. I have no clossure, no way to find out, without becoming the bitchy, stalker, annoying person that I never want to be or experience... so all my questions go unanswered. 

And all my emotions sit just below the surface, they sit  and fester, all the thoughts, all the doubt all the worry and the insecurities.

I'm not a shell, I'm over-burdened. I'm weighed down with all of this, with the worry and doubt and the stress of the unknown. 

I'm exhausted. I'm scared. I'm hiding behind a mask. I'm acting like it's all ok. 

But its not.

They want me to be ok... and you know what?, I am ok. I work, I struggle, I worry about money, and I cry less, but I am a shell... empty of emotion, and exhausted. I am not sleeping, I don't want to go to bed... because that's where the dreams come, when I see him, and hold him, and he tells me all the things my heart wants to hear... those dreams, are more painful than my waking reality. Those dreams make it impossible for me to want to sleep, i don't know whisch derams it will be.. the dreams of the promise of love rekindles, apologies, and acceptance... or those of rejection, where he is lost to me, lost, or telling me all sorts of evil. Wakking up in tears, in anguish makes the thought of sleep daunting.

But I miss him. I hate the idea of being alone, I hate that I have to start over again, I hate that I had love, that I misread him, and that I allowed him to take more of myself than I intended. I hate that I still want it... the only reason I haven't gone running back to him is quite honestly that he hasn't come knocking. And I hate myself for those thoughts, for giving him the control.

I am having a harder and harder time fighting the reality of my anguish.  I don't want to go to St. Catharines, I don't want to be where he, where we, lived. I don't want to go where his family frequented, restaurants, stores, events. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I want to eat, but don't want anything that is good for me. I don't want to spend money on things that I don't eat and just end up throwing out. The only things I consistantly eat is junk... and alcohol. I sleep best when I drink. This is becoming a problem.  My reality is that I hate that I am alone. My reality is that I don't want to burden my friends - the few that actually speak to me... so I hide. And I tell then what they want to hear.

And I miss him. And I hate him. And I want him.

Because he wanted me first... and I can't let go.