Tales From the Dark Side

He did call - eventually...
but it wasn't the conversation I expected. He wants to talk about things in person, the letter revealed things he wasn't expecting and he doesn't think a phone conversation is appropriate.


I know that I should just walk away
but I have NEVER had somone fight for me and I really want that as FUTILE a fight as it would be for him, I really want to see him do it. I know I am just dragging it out for him, but if it is any consolation I am telling people (family and friends) that we are done and we broke up on the weekend. SO I have accepted that it is over, I just want to see what he will say. It seems ridiculus, but I guess this is what I need to get my closure.

The last couple of days have been hard, though.
Harder than I thought they would be.
Just knowing that he will only talk in person, that's tough. But I know he read the letter. That's what I wanted.

I still feel good, not depressed, just slightly wounded, maybe a little bruised. I'll heal, quickly, I think. That's the good thing.

Thanks FF and VG for your thoughts and insight. I appreciate it!

He hasn't callled yet.
I haven't called him either. I will tonight though. After I blog. So I will probably blog again later - probably, depending on what happens.

I just want to know if he has read the letter (I think that he has) and if we are really done (I hope we are as I have told family that we are).
I just don't want him calling while my friend is here for the weekend, so I want to talk to him before she gets here, see if he even wants to talk. If not - so be it.


I guess I was hoping that he would call and fight for me.
Every girl wants that.
I don't know if I would have taken him back, or held on for a while longer as the holding on for the last year has really taken a toll on me, but just once I would like to have someone fight for me...

Is that too much to ask?

I gave him the letter.
Told him I wanted out.
Said that so many things had changed and I had been feeling this way for so long.

He said he wouldn't have time to read the letter until he got back to the city on Monday (we were in Kincardine).
He told me he wanted to move to Niagara Falls and get a job here instead of me moving to T.O. (WHAT?!?!)

I said maybe we should take a break from each other, figure out what each of us really wants and make a decision from there - but he really needed to read that letter.
He called today to say he was back in T.O. I was at work. I din't cal when I got home. He didn't call before he went to work. I don't know what's up.
I don't really care!

I am going to bed.

In a bizarre side note...
I went to bed last night and had a case of the spins... like I had been out drinking and the room was turning... only I was completely sober... I din't particularily like it. I reminded me why I don't drink. Even when I am not on medication.
I hope I am not getting sick and that my dose is just too strong as I have a headache too.

I dream that Jand I are going to the movies (or elsewhere and the ground starts to fall away. I notice that there are pieces that would hold it together and grab them to put them in place while he stands there laughing, not helping watching me scramble aroung on the sliding and shaky ground.
Finally I try to place the corner piece but before I can the ground beneath me slides off a cliff taking me with it. The last thing I see is him laughing before falling.

I had this dream at least twice last night.
Both times it ended the same way.
My trying to hang on to something that wasn't working and my falling over the edge... I have to get out of this. So I finished the letter. I think this is the only way I can do it. I know it is the cowards way out, but ... got any ideas!

I seem to ask this a lot.
Probably because life is cyclical and avoiding a problem only brings it back around to be faced another day.

My relationship is not all it is cracked up to be.
I hate it actually, the distance, his lack of vehicle, his living at home, his lack of desire to leave home, the feeling that I am not respected or listened to when I speak. That he assumes I am going to wait for him forever... and that nothing is going to change and that nothing has too. Nor do we have to talk about it...

I have reached me breaking point.
I am tired of 4 minute phone conversations about absolutely nothing.
I am tired of finding out Wednesday that I won't be seeing him on Friday.
I am tired of always being the one who drives.
I hate that we can't be as close in Toronto at his parents house as we are here at mine, the comforts of home do not extend to their household...
I really don't want a wedding and he really does - how do we get past that... it isn't something I
can compromise on.
I am tired of having a weekend boyfriend - and joking about it!
I am tired of feeling rejected by him, not necessarily on weekends when he goes out with friends, but on birthdays and holidays when the gifts I recieve and the cards he gives me are so impersonal and not from the heart... all it takes are a few words and I have yet to hear them. He tells me he loves me all the time, so often it has lost all meaning. They are just words. Really... what do they mean and why does he love me... that is what I want to know.

I tried to break up with him this weekend - but all I got out was that I am unhappy and some of the reasons why. Nothing has changed. NOTHING! He probably thinks that everythiing wil be fine in a little while.

I am currently writing him a letter.
It is very long.
I may have to rewrite and edit.
I can get a little long-winded.
I have a lot to say when I am not under pressure.
I should just give him this blog address... that would work!!!
Weirdest break-up ever!

The saddest thing.
I'm OK.
I don't even cry about it anymore.
I don't need to... when something is over, you just know. I am finished with this, at least for now!

I'm living a lie and I hate it.
I know I like him. I may even love him.
But I don't want him here anymore and here he is.
Sleeping in my bed and I don't want to wake him up and tell him the things that I need to say. Usually I can say these things. I have always been very open with my feelings - but to actually tell someone that I don't want to live like this anymore and know how much it will hurt... well it sucks.

I don't want to do it.
But I have to.
I don't think I have the strength.

Is known as CAR INSURANCE!!! and mine is outrageous because I got one steeding ticket last summer... I knew I should have fought it - but I really had to pee! My premium with my current insurance company went up more than the price of the ticket... how is that possible? Even my broker is angry for me. Other than that I have a perfect record! PERFECT!!!

It is so unfair! I know. Welcome to the real world, DF. Well, I know all about the real world, thank you very much. But, 2 years ago, this very same company allowed for 1 minor ticket to be on your premium and not affect it (as I had one) but they have suddenly changed the rules. Now Everywhere else I turn for a quote is doing the same thing and I am getting ridiculous prices... one plave even wants $4500/year. My car is only worth $10000.

The insurance agent warned me against moving into Toronto as well, she said my premium would almost TRIPLE!!! Which seemed realy strange to me as I have had a major life realization lately that I do not enjoy my relationship as it is at this moment and must do something about it... something the BF will not like... But this is not really the time for this topic!...

So as for my insaurance... I really am up A creek.
I have many more calls to make and lots more quotes to get. the on-line companies are worse than the brokers - I already tried them. Although I told them I had an accident on file - when I don't... it is gone AND not my fault!

This is ridiculous! I am bitter!

Today... I LOATHE SNOW!!!

So much snow has fallen in the last 2 days that I had to DIG my car out twice today alone... and I was only at work for 4 hours.

I was stuck in my parking spot and spent 20 minutes digging myself out, which is pathetic considering I hadn't even been plowed in!

And the... but it's so pretty... just ain't gonna fly today...

I LOATHE snow!!!
It is April...
Gimme my flowers so my allergies can go even more haywire than they already are (stupid cat)...
and I have a Dr's appt tommorrow, and I really hope I can get out of the driveway as I got stuck getting in it!!!

All before I have to go to work!!!
It's gonna be a great day!

That's the work today... LOATHE... so powerful and full of emotion. It is all consuming and making me bitter.
I think I should have made myself a calming tea when I came in and relaxed but I didn't...
Now I am bitter... as I think of al the crap I have gone through this week and I see the snow drift in the window and the rain drops on the glass... And think... tomorrow is supposed to be 10C... is the bedroom gonna flood!

I don't have time to come home to that!

Today I LOATHE....
the weather
snow
Em's EX (long story)
shovelling
work
AND tomorrow.

I need a hug!

I don't feel particularily happy today as there is a lot going on this week ( and last week). And as much as I am trying to remain positive things are starting to pile up.

My best friend called last night and informed me that she is moving to B.C. in 2 months, not that I ever get to see her now, but the difference between London and B.C. is so much more than a 2 hour drive... it's a plane ticket that I cna't afford.

My bank account is overdrawn for the first time in a long time - a mere miscalculation, and over-spending on my part. To excited and frustrated about the new place and lack of space. Wanting it to feel truly like home right away instead of slowly like I should be doing. But I have to wait now - it doesn't help that the transition from going back to work and switching from Short term disability to Long term disability happened at the same time as there is a different payment schedule so basically I have to go a month without money (except for the meager paycheques I make on my part-time work hours - but that's by-weekly and not much help).

The cat is back in heat... I may have to try that thermometer trick that vet told me about at the Pet Show.... EEEEeeeeWWWWWwww!!!!!

I really hoped the snow was over with.
I wanted to ride my bike today.
But that big fat snowflakes are falling. Yuck!

I still don't want to go to work...
I dread tomorrow.
I miss J... it is a weekend apart, and I don't like it. It also makes me sad. He's working today. I wish he was here instead.