Tales From the Dark Side

I feel like I have eaten pork.
But I haven't.
I don't like this at all.
I can't eat without runnint to the bathroom 10 minutes later and I don't know what I did to my body to deserve this punishment in return...

But
I am really, really, really, really sorry.
Please feel better.
Please stop with the rumblies and the grumblies.

I didn't eat anything unfresh or out of the ordinary.
I didn't eat anything that was not allowed.


I feel yucky.

Ungrateful, Nazi-like, good for nothing, pickles shoved in peculiar places, jack @#$%&&.

Treat me like a 2 year old.

Make me feel like eating an entire box of Jos Louis...
a family box at that.

Daffy Bastards.

I hate that place.

TGIF (for me anyway) whoohoo

AM I a child?
Should I be treated like one?
Someone send me to my room with a peanut butter sandwich and don't let ma out until my attitude cahnges, or maybe do that to all the supervisors and managers at work... because they need a HUGE attitude adjustment...

There is a new cage that replaced all the other windows on the main floor and with that there is a new "standard" for working...
don't leave your station.
ask to get a kleenex
ask to get water
ask to go to the bathroom
no paperwork at the front, everything is to be done at the back

God forbid you are one minute late returning from break...

It is like a nazi prison camp. Suddenly everyone has a rod rammed in their butt and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife..

And we are supposed to enjoy coming to work!

Daffy Bastards!

What the..?

it isn't that I had a bad weekend.
It was really good. I had a blast with R. Got lots of cleaning done.
But sleeping on the couch - well - it sucks.

So I am tired, physically sore and achy.
Work was insanely busy for the last 2 days and I am EXHAUSTED...
Firefly changed my blog
Which is cool, but my comments are hiding... (what the..?) I really like Dischord too, by the way.

The stupid cat is in heat and won't leave me alone, it like punishment for leaving her home this weekend, BC was great, kept her company and stuff, but she's busy too...
The bird just want to play and I just want to go to bed.

Hopefully I will feel better after something to eat and a 10 hour nap...

When I was in high school there was an amazing chaplain/counsellor who really cared about the students. Mr. K was one of the nicest guys around, his door was always open and there was usually a student of 2 in his office chatting about something at any moment of the day.

One of the things he started to notice was that kids had questions about their parents divorcing. Different issues that they were noticing within themselves like insomnia, eating problems, dealing with alcoholic parents, or one parent that they never see and the fighting and Mr. K thought it would be interesting and good therapy to bring a group of the 'divorced' kids together. He called us the "Survivors".

We met in the chapel (the one room in the school that no one ever wandered into unannounced) once a week and we got out of class to do it... for me it was OAC English with Mrs. S (whom I 'totally' dispised, that woman had a pickel shoved in a very unfortunate place!). I thing there was 12 of us, all around 16 to 18 years old, Mr. K though it best to keep the same age groups together. We all had some neat cures for insomnia, and the funniest I was told that I still remember was to relax your tongue as it should not be pressed to the roof of your mouth when you are trying to sleep (sign of tension)...but I digress.

At the end of 'Survivors' Mr. K gave each of us a journal saying that writing is the best way of maintaining clarity.
At the back of the journal is a poem that he thought represented loss.

I rediscovered this poem this weekend while talking with R. It made me think of my relationship and how much I learnt during it, and from that time with him. I do not consider that time a waste, or regret anything... I am sorry to see it gone, but have accepted that it had to end. The poem, to me, sums up the whole reason to have relationships... and not give up on all of mankind...

But what do I know.
I'm just human.


Good-Byes

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul;
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask for too much
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soil instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
that you really are strong
that you really do have worth.
And you learn
and you learn
With every good-bye, you learn...

Adam Ricker

I know this has been a horrible time for everyone who reads this blog.
Alice, Vegas and Firefly I thank you for your patience and understanding. For reading my venting even when you don't know what to say... just knowing that you WOULD be 'here' for me if I really need you means a lot.

As you have probably noticed I am looking at the brighter side again... trying not to use this nasty little blog as much... But I am doing better.

Every day gets easier.
Every conversation makes me feel lighter and happier.
Every morning brings relief...

Thank you all!

Remember when you were young and you lived in that fantasy world where everything was perfect, every conversation was smooth as glass, you never fumbled for words, and your relationships were long, loving and perfect... you know UTOPIA!!!

I still wish for that.
I know that what J and I had at the beginning was good and that we made it work, our time together was exciting and our conversations were intense and they never seemed strained or forced... I realy do miss that... I have missed it for a while.
Yet now... I think of the last year and especially the last 4 months and see that we have barely spoken about anything substantial, as much as I have tried to initiate conversation... and I have always been very honest with him... yet I do miss him, and I mourn the loss of us...

We have talked this week. It has gone ok..
I am torn as to accepting his help with my mothers move. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I seriously think my BROTHER should get his butt down here and finally help OUR mother with something as he has managed to avoid any dealings with her thus far... that boy ticks me off (but I digress)... Besides, I think I can find enough family to help. It should be ok.

Me... I'm OK.
I've been quiet at work. I'm emotionally drained, not depressed, just drained.
I sit at work at want to be at home, because at home I can go outside where the sunshine is...
I get home and there is an hour of sun but I feel bad because the cat and bird have been alone all day. so I stay in... but I have neglected my bike and I really need to exercise... I think this is a bizarre inner fight...

If only the bird would sit on the handle bars of the bike!!! That would solve half of the problem...

It has been a long day.
I am going to bed.

I had a conversation with my best friend. It was the first time we have really talked since this fiasco with J started and the first time we have really connected in a while.

You know how it is, the guy gets in the way of all the conversations, and his best friend is her ex-H... but I digress...

My point is that she made a really good point.
The last year of my life I have been unhappy, and as my friend she has seen that and been unsure of how to help me. Telling me to leave him, and walk away might have made her appear to be saying that for personal reasons other than what was in MY best interest... so she chose to sit in the sidelines and wait for my to approach her for advice, or wait for fate to step in as it has now. For that I thank her.

She also reminded me that the first year and a half of my relationship were filled with great times and that is what I am mourning the loss of, because I have started mourning, I cry a LOT right now... she said that he is and was one of my best friends as her ex became hers and she had to mourn that loss as well... I was so busy trying to keep him out of my mind I forgot that we had something good that we couldn't hold on too and that is why I chose to leave him.

***WOW - that was a very long sentence... I should revise it - but I have to go to work. Sorry folks.

I was hoping that soon I would have no need for the 'negative' blog and that it's use would become a thing of the past. I was hoping to merge the two, or even delete this one in the next month... I doubt that will happen. I don't think I am slipping into a depressive cycle again. I believe I am in mourning over the loss of my friend, because as much as he wants to remain friends I question whether it will ever be the same. And that is sad...

It isn't as though I didn't know the phone wasn't going to ring eventually. It's more what he said, or should I say - what he didn't say...

There was no talk of the letter, no "fight" for us. Just acceptance and chatting as if we were old friends just catching up.

Apparently his friends and family are sad that we are no longer together and he tlod them that if we are meant to be, then we will be. Yet, he is making absolutley no effort... although he may think it too soon. (I know he has no chance, but today, at this moment, I am bitter... OK!!!)

I was very upset after getting off the phone, it was the first time I really cried and I think it was knowing that he had accepted the break-up and wasn't going to fight for us... I had really wanted him too. Once again, he broke his word. He isn't coming to see me, we aren't going to talk this week about what I wrote in the letter... he is going out with the guys... and he doesn't want to leave my things outside on Monday so I can get them while I am in Toronto for a Dr's appt. But he wants to see me sometime.

Instead of taking my frustration and anger out the way I usually do (eating and watching TV) I cleaned out the laundry room and the garage... now I am physically exhausted and my back hurts and I feel like crying because I ache... I think it's 2 advil then bed... But I just needed to write and share all at the same time. Thanks for listening everybody!

On a positive note... (I know - wrong blog - sue me!) My mother is moving in July and 'he' did say he would help me to move her because "we are still friends and he is a nice guy." I am not lying those were his exact words. And he ended the conversation by telling me to call him when I had some free time. The boy is strange.

On days like today things rub me the wrong way.
The radio talking instead of music waking me up, scared the bejeebers out of me (and the cat) this morning.
I forgot about my therapy appointment (different than the psychiatrist) and had to reschedule for next week, but that rushed me a bit.
Work was interesting, I made some silly errors, forgot how to count (not cool being as I am a CASHIER!!!) and was looking at Josie but couldn't find her.
I also started crying when they said we couldn't have water bottles at our windows anymore, there is a water cooler in the cage now... well I hate paper cups - too small, and the cup always tips on me - so I get a shower too. AND the water is too cold. I drink room temp water, cold water makes me COLD and I hate being cold. Needless to say, the very thought of not being able to have my water (which I need because of the pins and needles) made me start crying - not cool as the shift manager was in the cage and teling me that he would make an exception IF I got a doctors note. Unfortunately I will have to pay for this note and I don't see the doctor again until June. But in the meantime... So I finally got myself calmed down and continued on with my day.

I have decided that I need more sleep.
I am too tired.
I have been getting into bed and my mind has been racing and I have been listening to it instead of turning it off and I am not getting enough sleep, thus the emotional weakness... not cool!

So tonight I am going to bed early!
In fact...
I think I'm going now...

I must admit, it has been a very interesting weekend.

Friday I saw the psychiatrist and she was not as surprised as I thought she would be to hear about my break-up as I thought she would be. In fact she has been waiting for this since August and expecting it since December, and wanted to know what the "trigger" was. yup... she's that good! I asked her why I am not devastated and she reminded me that I have been distancing myself from him, emotionally, since before Christmas and to really think about my actions since around that time... so I did...

I argued about gift giving and even driving to Toronto for his family, when I din't want to go there, I also said that I didn't want to exchange gifts with his side nor did I want him to buy for anyone on my side of the family (this was mostly because money has been so tight this year and also due to my dislike of the whole season and the message of Christmas getting lost in the gifts...) but of course I lost that argument and had to drive to Toronto and then to Windsor to see my family the next day... yippee to me! The New Years party that I chose not to go to at the last minute, the weekends that I didn't go to Toronto when I could have while on leave, and the weekends that I made plans with other friends so that I wouldn't have to see him. Telling him not to take my birthday off, or Valentines day, and that I wasn't doing anything for my b-day nor did I care whether or not he was here or there...

Basically, I am surprised he even stuck around as long as he did... I don't understand how he didn't see this coming.

My doctor also talked about my needing someone who is as independent as I am, knows what the real world is all about and what life is capable of throwing at you. Yes, life can throw you one mini-crisis after another (flat-tire, leaky cold cellar, overdrawn chequing account, short paycheque, sick cat/bird, birthday/wedding) but you deal with it and move on. J never understood that. He seemed to think that I was incapable of having a conversation after cleaning up the mold in the cold cellar, or crying about the inconvenience of the flat tire right after putting new tires on the car... I need to be with someone who will clean up after themselves and make a decision about what to make for dinner, make it and then clean up with out needing to discuss it with me first.

That, my friends, is why I am not devastated.
I have known, subconciously, for a while now that this relationship was not going to work and have just been holding on to it in hopes that I was wrong... but I hit my threshold and had to let go...
Now if only he would.

My friend Lee came to visit this weekend.
She's the one from London.
Very high maintainence friend.
Not a good idea to have a high maintenance friend come visit after dumping the high maintenance BF.
I know I said this last time I saw her - but I really don't know why I am friends with her sometimes.
She really irks me, and pushes my buttons.
Very selfish and insensitive to others (not that I expected it to be an all about me weekend) - but when I go to someone elses house for a weekend I go with clean clothes and I even pack an extra outfit just in case... she came here and EXPECTED to be able to do laundry... and she told me this at 10:30 at night no less. "I need these pants for tomorrow." she said. What could I say... she can only sleep with a fan on for white noise, never mind others hydro bills or anything. She said she would do the dishes, then washed the plates and forks and knives that were in the sink but left the pots and salad spinner that were on the stove (and she has the nerve to bitch when her BF does the same thing)... I don't get mad though, I should be greatful she offered to help at all. At least she got out of bed this trip.

She is moving to B.C. with her BF in June and I must admit that I am glad that she is going, but I don't think that she will be gone long. I told her that too. She is spoiled and I think she will miss her Dad too much and the security of knowing that if she needs anything he will be right there to help her. Maybe my telling her off will be her incentive to stay and make it work... stranger things have happened.

But I need to go to bed, or do my dishes... not sure which I will pick... probably bed... I am tired.